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on their own lives, provided i am only authorities on my own. once upon a time, in the not so distant past, i believed i had all the answers. it would be nice to say,, that once i got clean, finally gave up and accepted that i was an addict and i was powerless over addiction, my own, anyhow, that this ceased to be a part of me. well, not so much! as i work steps and move forward in my program of growth through the recovery process, i see more and more, that i do not and more importantly need not, have all the answers at all. yes, it used to chafe my hide, when my sponsees or a peer would not follow the seemingly simple suggestions i offered, after all… time and again, i would get butt-hurt and just make the suggestion louder, as if they lacked the physical capacity to hear me, and with more forceful language. to my utter dismay, they would still not hear what i was trying to say, and my seething anger, quickly blossomed into minor resentments, just another brick in the wall, separating me from my peers.
some time has gone by, i have worked some steps, and as i approach the end of this step cycle, i have come to realize that, that controlling behavior, was in me, and not on them. my friends, my former sponsees, my peers, who have decided for one reason or another that the program was not working for them, are still my friends, former sponsees, and peers. i am MORE powerless over their addiction, than my own, and i am powerless over addiction, BUT i can take steps to gain the power to stay clean today, from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i did not believe i NEEDED a program of recovery when i walked into the rooms, and it took over a year for me to finally come around to that notion. if that was the case for me, why on Earth would i believe that i could change someone else's mind, especially in the manner in which i once operated? where did the notion that i could carry an addict into recovery come from?
in my case it was pure hubris. i believed that since i had what everyone else wanted, all they had to do, is exactly what i told them to, and they too, could have the kind of life i have. in those not too distant days, i could string together the slogans, bumper stickers and clichés like the best of them, and share about absolutely nothing at all. in my head, i would believe that i was painting an attractive picture of recovery, when in reality i was just wasting the time of myself and everyone else there. it was not until i stopped worrying about how i would look, that i started to share the real stuff, the stuff that makes me an addict and the stuff that builds on my recovery, i did not as a friend said the other day, hang the moon, and the world does not revolve around me. just because i have some time clean and some recovery, does not mean that i am an authority on anything, save what it takes for me to stay clean today.
and so it goes, i can carry a message of HOPE. i was once a person who did not care, than i became a person who cared way too much and was very aggressive in carrying whatever it was that i was carrying. today? well, i still care, but more importantly i pay attention and stop, look and listen before i string together my pearls of wisdom. i feel for the correct and most succinct manner of expressing that idea, and if a bumper sticker or two sneaks into my message, than so be it, at least i am sharing for me, and not for the newcomer or anyone else. this trained monkey is evolving into something more, a man with a will and the means to express the wisdom of what he has learned, and that is a very good thing.

∞ DT ∞