Blog entry for:

over the addiction of another, i may help them.
as part of my TENTH STEP, last night, something so ironically similar came up, that i am beginning to wonder if i am developing a memory for the JFTs and anticipating them in my life. i mean, seriously i have been through all of them, save February 29th, at least 16 times, and i am not stupid, so the possibility of me, committing them to memory is a viable theory.
it really does not matter, what does matter is what i heard last night, as i listened to myself go over my inventory and what i needed to let go of, as i laid my head on my pillow to accept my gift from Morpheus.
the question i “heard” is how to tell someone a very unpleasant fact, or at least something that is based in a semi-factual observation. the truth is, that i cannot and should not, “spill the beans,” as it were. my dilemma, now that i may have decided that not doing anything, is the correct course of action, goes to an issue that has has plagued me throughout my recovery journey, namely how do i become socially acceptable, liked, respected and included, in activities outside the rooms?
today, i have the sort of involvement that i wanted, just tight enough to be comfortable and loose enough to give me the freedom to come and go as i please. that is not what it was always like for me, and back when i wanted to be part of, the most, the place where i had my greatest desire to belong, was the place where i was denied, time and time again.
what needed to happen, as i now know, was that i needed to work the steps, find out who i was and actually have something to offer. the less important it became for em to belong, the more i was invited along. as i became better, they became more inviting. as someone who can be pedantic, conceited, over-bearing and as bore, i see why i had such a hard time being part of the “in” crowd, way back when. what that made me do is develop a social life outside the rooms, and treat those who accepted me for who i was and who i am, with greater respect. as i became better, i lost the sense of entitlement that those in the rooms owed me something more than the chance at recovery. as i grew more comfortable in my own skin, i became more acceptable. now i had something to offer, instead of just taking. i learned that relationships, even just social ones, are two way streets that need action on my part as well as theirs. the less i tried to fit in and be accepted, the more i did fit in and became accepted. so what does any of this have to do, with carrying the message and not carrying the addict? that my friends, is the million dollar question this morning. the answer, contained in the reading i so pseudo-presciently anticipated last night, is that i cannot recover for anyone else, and i have to allow them to stumble along the way, until they find their own path back to where they belong, even if it is not where i think that they belong. if they require a bit of new age pop psychology or affirmations in the mirror, that is their journey not mine. what i need today, is to recognize myself in others, how my experience relates to theirs and a choice as to whether or not, i will do whatever it takes to stay clean. can i recover, socially as well? based on the preponderance of the evidence, it certainly looks like that is the case, as this social retard learns who to become more socially adept, there is certainly more than a grain of HOPE for someone else.
i do however, need to end this little exercise and head on over to Boulder. it is a great day to be part of the world, even as my most socially awkward self.

∞ DT ∞