Blog entry for:

there are limits to what i CAN do to help another addict. as tough as it is for me to accept, i can only carry a message of recovery and hope, and am absolutely POWERLESS over the addiction of others. this has been a theme in my life, over the past 12 months, nearly to the point of distraction. no matter what i do, it sometimes seems that the message i am carrying just cannot penetrate the wall of denial that using and relapsing addicts have created. if using was so great and without consequences, why the fVck do you keep coming back? i already know the answer to that question, using was not that great, the consequences were not acceptable and the feelings of shame, despair and alienation were made worse, not better. so once again it is back to day one. before my intent gets misconstrued, this is not about any addict specifically, although it could apply to many who are in my life today.
my job? to let go, be sure that i am carrying a message of hope, through more than what i say. after all, the bullsh!t filter that most addicts have installed is quite sensitive. if i am running around,m telling others how they should do it, but not doing any of what i suggest, what exactly is the message i am carrying? my interpretation? the same message i heard when i was involved in religion, namely it is okay to misbehave six days a week as long as you 'fess up and show up and ask for forgiveness, on the seventh. needless to say, i know what the response from the religious is, when confronted with that hypocrisy: this is a gallery of sinners, not saints. well, what i want to show, is that my recovery is a all day, everyday thing, by following these spiritual principles to the best of my ability. yes, i am human and an addict on top of that, so more times than not, i will fall short of the ideal of perfection, but what i demonstrate when i shoot for the stars, behavior-wise, is that this stuff does work, one day at a time.
as frustrating as it is, watching the revolving door to the rooms of recovery and the endless parade that comes and goes through them, there is always one or more who sticks around and actually stays clean and adopts this new way of living. it is not up to me, who that newest member may be. nor can i even predict how many trips through the door that member will make, before they finally sit their a$$ down and stay. what i can be certain of is: that if i live my program,, in all my affairs, that i will be a force of attraction. so before the day grows any later and the wind starts to howl, i think i will go work-out, after all, this is all about taking care of myself as well these days.

∞ DT ∞