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and locked up, but i did not stop until i wanted to stop. i know that this reading was about my action in regards to the actions of another using addict, and yet, it takes me back to those fateful days where i was between active addiction and abstinence, not knowing which way i wanted to go. if i was such a hard sell, why would i believe that another using addict would not have to come to the realization that they need help all by themselves. is it an attempt by my denial system to insert the appearance of power into my life where there is none?
well although that certainly could lead to an interesting discussion, looking at my motives and the reasons from deep down within in me for what i believe will probably not advance my cause of being in active recovery this morning. the truth is, that even after i started working the steps with a sponsor, even after i became of service to my home groups, even after i was forced into sponsorship, i was not yet a member, as i had NO DESIRE to stay clean. i was different and i was going to prove it. i spent thirteen months in this half-life, regretting the necessity to be even present in the rooms, and trying to accumulate enough evidence so i could disprove the theory that i was an addict.
so if someone like me, who now has over 4900 days in a row clean, fought this process so doggedly, why should it be an different for those who are pausing at the door today, even if they are part of my personal circle of friends, family or acquaintances? does not my example count for anything? isn't my experience with the pain of hesitation enough? in fact that is all i have: the living example of what can happen in recovery. unfortunately i am often, far from being a poster child for life in recovery, and that example can become quite tarnished by my behavior or lack thereof.
be that as it may, no matter how strongly i want to drag all those i know, who exhibit symptoms of being an addict, into the rooms by their short hairs, and nailing their feet to the floor, until they get it, i know that i cannot. as sad as it i get watching the endless parade in and out of the rooms, there is little i can do to stop it, save for offering my hand, my strength, my experience and my hope, and letting go. FAITH tells me that is enough, and yet i fight that notion all the time. i was not ready when i was forced to be here, and yet there must have been a part of that was, because for me the miracle of coming back, and doing so willingly finally occurred. the miracle of the the removal of my obsession to use was lifted from me. most importantly, the birth of the desire to find a new manner of living was miraculously added to my repertoire of wants and desires, just because even though i was certain that i was not, i kept coming back. the HOPE is that if it worked for me, i can lead by example my family members and acquaintances to this same path, if and when they are ready. the waiting, to lift a phrase from Tom Petty, is the hardest part!

∞ DT ∞