Blog entry for:

not only over my own addiction...
i have to admit that i honestly and truly HATE being powerless over anything. i know that is a totally nutz thing to say, but it is true. when i was using, i believed i had all sorts of power, and in a manner i did. when i did not find something agreeable to me, i changed the story or simply left it behind. in a sense, that gave me “power,” but in reality it was just feeding the illusion of how “powerful” i thought i was. today, as much as i loathe to say it, i understand the limits of the power i do have and see that i have very little power over most everything else in the world, even those who have chosen to sit in their chair and watch TV until the day they eventually shuffle off this mortal coil.
as those who read me already know, i have been on this fitness kick for a few years now and part of it involves going to a place where i can work out, when the weather is not to my liking on any given morning. at the Rec Center a few years back, i noticed one of my fellow fitness buffs walking around the track with a walker after apparently suffering a stroke. she has consistently and diligently doing what she can to restore herself to her previous condition and when i see her these days, she participates in a full set of fitness measures and walks with a barely noticeable limp. her courage in coming to a place where one might be judged on how well they perform, is inspiring. the fact that she took back her power from what is a devastating physical condition and i working to make that event part of her history rather than her defining story is incredible and i certainly laud her for her effort, as it inspires me to do my best to continue down the path i have chosen. she is without a doubt an inspiration for me to continue to use what power i have to better my own physical condition.
so it goes with the addicts that are in my life as well as those who have just given up. i cannot carry them to the promised land of any sense of a better, more wholesome manner of living. my former sponsee has once again returned to the custody of the state of Colorado. another one is living on the hope and a prayer that somehow all that he has done will sort of forgiven and he will be provided one more chance to fVCK up. the one fact of life that has been evident in my world, is that until i wanted to change, i did not change. when i was merely abstinent nothing changed, not even my clean date, because i still believed i had power. i know today, as i was sitting in that basement apartment cursing the forces that prevented me from enjoying the sack of bliss i paid for, i had finally arrived at a place that maybe i needed to change and accept that i was an addict and might be bale to find a different manner in which to live.
this morning, as i prepare to go join my inspiration on the indoor track, i feel that any power i may have over the lives of those around me, is fleeting at best. just for today, i am okay with at that notion and even though i lack power over them, i certainly have enough personal power over myself to choose which path to take. it is a good day to remember that all i can carry is a message of hope and the weight of the world and other human beings, are far beyond my capabilities, just for today.

∞ DT ∞