Blog entry for:

on this anniversary of the last time i used, twenty-three years ago, this reading reminded me of a whole lot of things. the first being that words alone are often inadequate to express my feelings or provide comfort. it is my actions and behaviors that are important, as i have learned over the course of my life, how to say the exactly **right** thing for almost any given situation.
before i go down any rabbit holes, i need to acknowledge the two addicts that share my clean date.

Chris M,
Congrats on ELEVEN (11) years CLEAN!
Leonard H,
Congrats on FOURTEEN (14) years CLEAN!

as i started to say, i “know” what to say, unfortunately, active addiction robbed me of any sincerity, even though the words were correct. the truth of the matter was, i not only did not care how much someone was suffering, i actually wanted nothing to do with that “drama.” saying the right thing, gave me the FREEDOM to walk away, satisfied that i had done my part. no guilt, no shame, just pure self-involvement and self-interest.
it was not as if that behavior was “magically” removed the second i got clean, or even after one trip through the steps. it has taken time and effort to make my actions match my words. part of the problem for this addict is, that it is so simple to slip back into that state of apathy for how others are feeling, after all, it still is all about my wants and needs and they still can come before everything else. learning how to integrate the rest of the world and everyone it, into mine, is part of what i am doing these days. exploding the belief system that allows me to be entitled and selfish is the result. today, i can take care of myself and care for others. more importantly accept their love and care for me, without deflecting or diminishing their actions. sure, i may still be more judgemental than i want to be, but this is a journey of progress and not perfection, my favorite rationalization, just for today.

∞ DT ∞