Blog entry for:

loving hug can make all the difference in the world. i am not a touchie-feelie kind of guy, so this reading coming on my clean date anniversary, has always put me off a bit. i want something exciting and powerful, rather than quiet and soft. today, as i write this and think about what the reading is saying, i finally get that there is power and excitement here, it is just beneath the surface, not that much unlike the tsunami as it transverses the depths of the oceans. it is not until it gets to land, or i give that loving touch, that its true power is revealed.before i go much further, to the two men in the local fellowship, who just happen to share my clean date:

• Chris M
  Eight (count 'em) years clean.
  Congrats my friend and keep coming back.
• Leonard H
  11 years of “just for today”
  Congratulations, my friend, i am glad you stick around and
  provide a bit of variety to the fellowship

i want to pound this out before i head off to a cuppa with one of the men i sponsor, but i really do not want to rush writing about what i am feeling today, so it is off to the coffee shop and back at this in an hour or so.
stay tuned, more just might be revealed.
back and it was not an hour, stuff happens. once upon a time i would have been all butt-hurt about being stood up, and that once upon a time, was probably a few short days ago. today, just for today anyhow, i am okay with my plans not coming to fruition, exactly as i planned them. it simply is what it is, and acceptance and tolerance seem to be my words to live by, at least this morning.
back to the tsunami-like power of a hug. unlike words of sympathy and condolence, which i know very well, bringing another person into my personal space by giving them a sincere hug, is one of the most loving and caring offerings i can make. i lived for twenty-five years avoiding any and all personal contact with everyone. when i had to hug a family member, it was always with grim determination, that i made the gesture and quickly disengaged. coming to the rooms twenty years ago, i was seriously put off by all the hugging and cast very quick judgements about the sort of people who would willingly invite a person like me into their personal space. it took some time to realize that their offerings were something i would come to cherish and give in return. they showed me consideration, long before i was capable of providing that myself. the provided me an example of what it meant to be part of something greater than its parts and they showed me that i would not shrivel up and die, if i, too, willingly gave a hug to the newest of the new, as well as those who needed a bit of warmth, that mere words could not express.
today, i may seem cold, distant and aloof, at times, that is the echoes of my past, coming to the surface. i know that when i CHOOSE to allow my new self to emerge, i can return the expressions of human warmth and kindness that has been given to me, even before i got clean, or became a member. i am grateful that those members gave me hugs, long before i realized i needed or desired them and today it is a debt i am still trying to repay. just for today.

∞ DT ∞