Blog entry for:

what can i do to make someone feel better? i felt anxious and inadequate to relieve their suffering. over time, and after some step work, i have discovered is is never my task to make someone feel better, my task is to be present for them, give them all the love and support that i can and let them find their own way through.
14 years, 5112 days for those like me who believe it is just for today, ago today, i got high, for the very last time ans started the journey that has brought me to this realization, that no matter how hard i may want to, no matter how much i love someone, no matter how powerful i think i am, i cannot fix anybody by changing the way they feel. if i can give them a moment of joy or support or just quite love, that is more than enough and my anxiety about that action being inadequate comes from an entirely different place than my recovery.
i can however share a celebration with a friend and a member of my sponsorship family tree:

Leonard H
1826 days in a row
Thanks for being a part of my recovery

yes, it is the days that are important and not the weeks, months and years that they add up to.
back to my original thought, and after wandering so far afield i may not make it all the way back.
anyhow, when i got clean, i was of the opinion, that fixing people, and situations was part of my mission in life. i could after all surgically inspect a person, and determine in a very short period of time how to best get over on them, preying on their weaknesses and playing to what they thought they needed. this skill-set, allowed me to function in society for 25 years of active addiction, always narrowly missing the consequence for my misbehavior. so when i got clean, i was bound and determined to use those skills for the power of good. a Darth Vader story in reverse, and now that i think about it, i can almost see myself picturing such a ridiculous notion in my head at the time. after all, this whole recovery gig was all about being good, being a two shoes and walking proudly in the path of light!
it had taken almost my entire journey in recovery to finally get, that changing someone else is not my task. heck, i cannot even change myself, look at how hard this THIRD STEP has been on me, and it is NOT my first trip around that block. now that i have finally come to the place that i am willing to decide to let it all go, and let a POWER that fuels my recovery to care for my will and my life, my next inventory starts to loom large.i do however, once again digress. i know the reading was not telling me that i NEED to take away some else's pain, in fact it flat out states that is the job of a loving HIGHER POWER. it is also not my job to make someone be anything or feel anything, other than wherever they happen to be at this time and place. what i can do i offer a supportive hug and assure them that they do not have to go through this alone. that is the gift recovery has given me, the ability to allow others to feel what they need to feel, and not to feel inadequate, nervous or pissed off because i cannot do anything more.
i am grateful to be clean, and i am grateful that once again another year has goner by, and i get to mark it on the calendar. most of all i am grateful that i have a life full of those who love me, and want to celebrate with me as well. and no, just for today, i do not feel ripped off by this reading, it has only taken 14 years to come to the place, that i am right where i am supposed to be, thank you to all of you who have made that possible.

∞ DT ∞