Blog entry for:

years or nine thousand-one hundred and thirty one just for todays, clean. for this addict, it just happens to equal the number of years i used so it is my **golden** clean date anniversary, of sorts. quite honestly i never believed that i could stay clean more than twenty-five months, when i got here and as the days piled up, and it looked like i might actually make this clean date, clean and on this side of the lawn, i felt more than a bit of gratitude for those who were here when i got here and those who joined me along the way. the POWER that fuels my recovery has always spoken through my peers, acquaintance, friends, sponsors and sponsees, even though i was way too self-absorbed to hear what IT was trying to tell me and i missed more than a few opportunities to get what i wanted. so it goes in the recovery life of this addict …

Chris M.
Congrats on THIRTEEN(13) years clean!

as i sat this morning, so many feelings, memories, regrets and kudos pop off the stack, i got lost in the notion that i was attempting to focus on. as i got up and crammed breakfast and a quick and damp four mile walk this morning, i kept coming back to the notion of “more powerful than words.” i have always thought that this entry was a bit lame and looked for an alternative clean date, not unlike alternate facts that fit the story i am trying to tell. in the long run, i have decided that i have kept this date for twenty-five years, it is time to accept that maybe, just maybe it is me that needs to change and accept that there is more to this just for today entry than i have ever thought and it will be the topic of what i share at my home group this morning.
today, i do my best to hear what i am being told, to see what i am being shown and to accept the opportunities that arise form living in the real world. as i was considering what to speak about this morning, over the course of the past five days, i went through all sorts of iterations of reactions to what others have shared. the beauty of group conscience, the freedom to choose a concept of a HIGHER POWER, the use of the word GOD and is a revision necessary to make “corrections” in the literature that is the basis of this recovery program. as each of those topics came up and consumed me, i kept feeling that it was “wrong.” this morning, as i could not keep anything out of my mind and decided that perhaps i should accept what is and stop living in the what was, i felt a calmness come over me and right then and there i knew. so now it is time to read a little bit and allow myself the freedom to be okay knowing that i never promised anyone i would stay clean the rest of my life and my fellowship does not require that of any of its members. over nine thousand days is an incredible feat and although i had lots of help along the way, it was me that lived every minute of each of those days, some days better than others. just for today, i can walk out into this grey and damp morning, knowing that j=ust like my peers, all i have is today and today i CHOOSE to stay clean.

∞ DT ∞