Blog entry for:

my only responsibility is to be there.
and for the my past anniversary dates, i always felt ripped-off about this reading. in my early recovery i strongly considered moving my date a few days down the line to a daily meditation reading that really "knocked my socks off!" then the whole 911 thing happened and i decided i would not want to be celebrating my clean date anniversary on that day, and as i perused the daily reading the first one that really rocked was on september twenty-fifth and i was not about to give up two weeks of clean time to suit my vanity about how cool a reading was. in fact i finally realized how silly the whole exercise was and what it did not accomplish, making me more comfortable with who i was. i chose this date way back when for what ever reasons that seemed especially important to me at that time. i chose this date after the fact and these days am not quite sure if this was the last day i used or the first day i was clean, i always believed it was the last day i used. looking back across time, even that belief is starting to come into question, so today i just accept it as my clean date anniversary and am satisfied that so far, i have yet to change it for anything more serious than about of an over-sensitive ego.
but anyhow that digression actually does nothing except clear my head about how the reading spoke to me this morning. as many of you have noticed i have been going through an issue or two lately, and like all good addicts who have some time, believed things would sort themselves out, without the help of my sponsor. well thursday night i decided to give up and surrendered to the fact things were not getting any better on my internal landscape and went to see my sponsor. he is an excellent garbage collector, however he makes me sort through the shit before he carries it away. we talked about many things, but the one thing that has stuck out the most for me was that he told me that he can see i am willing to do the work, what i am resistant to is the healing process, because i am unable to quantify it and package it into a nice neat package. and then this morning, my clean date reading talks about being present as GOD heals another’s spirit. well for me i am that other person and i need to stand by and give myself a loving hug and let GOD do GOD’s work and heal my spirit. after all. i too am healing from the ravages of active addiction, and my spirit as well as my mind and my body needs to be allowed to progress towards a healthier state, otherwise what exactly is the point? so off to a relaxing day of doing as little as possible. GO BRONCOS!

∞ DT ∞