Blog entry for:

how difficult the road becomes, no matter how narrow, how winding the turns, there is hope. that hope lies in my spiritual progression.
so what was i saying before my connection dropped and i got so rudely interrupted? oh yeah, it seems likes decades ago i read this reading and actually thought about how it applies to my life. and yes i read it this morning at seven-thirty AM CDT and meditated and all that stuff i do on a daily basis, BUT the weekend has been long and i am wondering if i am really suited to service. i missed the opportunity to write yesterday because of service, well because i chose not to focus on my recovery and instead focus on service to the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. so what did not need to be an either or situation became one. the time has come and i have more than a few minutes right now to take care of myself. which includes
calling my addict. so sitting outside here in Lincoln, enjoying a cigar i come back to the same point where i was a bit ago. no one ever promised me recovery would get easier as i stayed clean, in fact no one even promised me that my life would get better if i maintained a spiritual program, and as i have discovered, recovery does get a bit more difficult as my clean time grows day by day. do not get me wrong, it is easier today to stay clean and be abstinent than it ever was, BUT staying clean is only the prerequisite for staying on this spiritual path, yes it is necessary but hardly sufficient. dang it all! i want to feel that staying clean is all i NEED to do and i know that is a lie. sitting on my step work, neglecting to take time for myself and putting service ahead of my needs has got me to a place today where i just want to crawl into a bed and go to sleep for a century or so. am i alone in this thinking? probably not, but right now i feel different and alone as i sit here in this empty plaza typing away at my missive to cyberspace. so time to switch the track of where my mind is by focusing on the spiritual principle i heard in the reading HOPE! yes we throw that word around pretty loosely in the circles i travel in, and although i could go get a definition from the dictionary, i think i will just ponder what that word means to me. what i get from thinking about HOPE is that i need not believe that good things will happen if i stay clean, i just need to believe that staying clean is its own reward, and everything that comes from staying clean will be exactly what i need. even when i do not see any good in what is going on right now, it is probably my perspective that needs to change and not my clean date. so there you have it, i feel better and ready to get ready to fly home. after all i cannot stay forever in Lincoln i have responsibilities and more to take care of.

∞ DT ∞