Blog entry for:

the progression of recovery is a continuous uphill journey.
sounds tiresome and certainly a bit off-putting, however there are ways to make what seems tiresome, oh so much less so. after all, the easier softer way, is what i was all about, back in the day, and not that much has really changed.
the quickest way for me to relieve the burden (perceived or not) is to change the accepted definitions of what this recovery journey is all about, after all it is MY personal program of recovery, and if I AM staying clean, it must be working. spiritual camouflage is a wonderful gig, and one that i am well practiced at. if i change the the names of my character defects to anything but defects, why would i want them removed. to wrap it up in some spiritual revelation from on high, only goes to reinforce this protection and keep my sick. unfortunately, try as i might, to rationalize 80% of my defects away in this manner, they still are readily apparent to one and all, no matter how i try to hide them under a shell of arrogance and false bravado. i am sick, and the worst part everyone else knows i am sick and unless i ask, no one will tell me how sick i really am. when i spin this under the guise of spiritual progress, my recovery journey ceases and i have to put a whole lot more effort in maintaining how i look as i slide down the chute towards active addiction, if i am not already acting out in other ways.
for me, looking good is one of the driving forces in my life. i want to look good, and i want everyone i know and interact with, to tell my how good i look. when i am not living a program, however, no matter how good i look, i am actually getting sicker by the minute and before long, the words “I AM SO SORRY,” are dropping out of my mouth every 2.2 seconds. the easier, softer way, has become, at least for me, to honor what those who have come before tell me, work a program based on the success of those men and women, and leave my spin on what i think my “personal program” is, at the door.
quiet honestly, when i hear one of my peers preface what they share with anything alluding to a unique program of recovery, i cringe, because now i have to shut off the judge, jury and executioner, so that i can try and actually hear wheat they are saying. in my experience, those words have been used to justify and rationalize some of my most outrageous behaviors.
anyhow, time marches forward, and i have places to be at this morning, so i will end this little soapbox right here and right now. yes the march of the program of recovery that i have been taught to live, is uphill. yes, just for today, when i accept that those who have gone before me, actually had a clue or two, i can get what they have. most importantly, what i feel and how i look, is really not up to me, in the long or short run, HOWEVER IF i work this program of recovery, i will look band feel better, as if by fVcking magic, and that for me, is reward enough.

∞ DT ∞