Blog entry for:

seriously, i mean if it just keeps getting tougher, what is the point. i mean really, one would have to be some kind of idiot to stay, if it is only going to keep getting harder the longer i do something. where exactly is the fVcking HOPE?
well… i will tell you what my experience is with this but first a bit of context…
when i first heard that recovery was an uphill journey, way back when, the thoughts that started this entry were certainly paramount in my mind. over time, my experience has been that while it is quite true, that recovery, in and of itself may be a progressive uphill journey, aspects change in their relative difficulty. what does that mean? well these days it is easy for me to stay clean. those first seven months of trying to get clean, and the first 5 or 6 months of staying clean in my early recovery, was the the worst year or so of my life, and that does not include jail time and all of my consequences from my inability to GET this way back when. that my mental and emotional struggles with this whole abstinence gig.
the statement above does not mean that working the steps has gotten any tougher as the days pile up. in fact, if anything they have become easier to work as i know what the end results -- me getting better -- has been. what i get out of that statement, is that as i stay clean and as i work a program of recovery, to the best of my ability and as that program becomes engrained in me, i have fewer choices that are palatable to me. life, in and of itself has become more open and i have more choices in general, however the familiar behavior tied to my active addiction, becomes less of a choice i want to make, in fact living a program of recovery, enables me to be more than i ever was, but in the end the choices become more difficult. i amen rally, how do you tell an old friend that our relationship was sick and that in order to move forward we need to start from scratch and move in a new direction?
anyhow i need to get rolling down south, it is a great day to be clean and perhaps i will be back after my round trip, or not, that too will be something i will choose to do. it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞