Blog entry for:

in my spiritual progression.
sometimes, my spiritual progression takes me to the place where i have to say NO, it is time for something different. i arrived at that place last night, when a friend and former sponsee called from in the center of his current predicament. i expected the same old bullsh!t, and got a whole lot of that, as it was his ex-girl friend who convinced him to cut himself off from all of his support group, and it was his mental state that caused him to make bad decisions. he even went as far to say, that even with two months of forced abstinence he was still suicidal and making bad decisions. all of that is certainly true from his perspective, looking at it from mine, well i will just this: i am not buying what this consummate salesman is selling today.
anyhow,. he asked me to sponsor him again, and barring that pretend to sponsor him, so he could have a face to face meeting with me within the confines of his semi-permanent residence. there was ad ay not too long ago, where i would have jumped onto this notion, and rode it for all it was worth, today, not so much. today, i do my best to NOT represent myself as something i am not. today, i do my best NOT to bend the rules, leap through loopholes and generally live life as a con -man, moving from one mark to another. today, well today, i work a program of recovery that interferes with my ability and certainly my desire to get one over on the world. so my response to his request was write me a letter and let's work on rebuilding our relationship as friends, because in truth, i have nothing more to give as a sponsor.
that page has yet to be written, but based on previous behavior, i will drift into a relationship where i give far too much, get resentful and end up saying fVck off you piece of sh!t! which is not part of the vision i have, of the man i am becoming. my journey, especially in this matter, is seriously constrained by what i do not want to become. i do not want to become his sponsor, his banker, his bail bondsman, his landlord or his employer. what i want is to figure out a way to have a relationship as peers and equals, without falling into the same old traps of previous behavior, and today i have the means to make that happen: it is called a program of active recovery. no matter how much he whines about being hungry, cold or miserable, i will not cave, as i know he may be miserable, but he is fed enough and has as many blankets as he needs to stay warm. nope, i will not make myself feel better by falling for the old cons and stories, at least not today. i will maintain my distance and allow him to approach like anyone else, what was, is no longer and i wonder how long it will be until i see that card played on me.
anyhow, time to get rolling onwards to work. life is certainly good today and i am grateful i have the means of being more than i ever was.

∞ DT ∞