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and relationships are certainly two concepts that fit together like peanut butter and jelly. that was not, however, how i saw things when i got clean and i keep hearing a similar refrain from the newest sponsees i have accumulated over the course of the past few months. both of them do not see any relationships beyond the romantic ones they have in their lives and neither one is expressing any flexibility about how to participate in them. for me, relationships, personal, professional, casual and romantic, were all zero sum games all about power. my “goal” as it were was to have as much power as i could muster and make the other party bend to my wishes. it is no wonder that the number of people who wanted to spend any time with me could be counted on my finger and toes, in those very last days. even after getting clean, i was certain i was “doomed” to lonely and empty life, just because i was not certain how to “do” relationships at all. when i decided to become a member and start my actual recovery journey, things began to slowly change.
this morning, as i sit in my nice warm home, one that i share with my partner, i see that our relationship is based on mutual trust, understanding and equality. sure, she may gritch and moan at me for doing this or that, generally because something else is going on in her life, but because i have learned to be flexible, i can listen and let go of my anger, and trust me i want to say why the fVck do you treat me so poorly and way out of proportion for what i just did. of course, i pause and ask myself is this a line i need to draw in the sand, or can i let it go and move on, as she is not actually angry at me.
as i walked this morning, on this Saturday that is not part of how i usually do this day, i kept hearing that life on this side of the lawn requires me to bend and flex with what comes. i need to get a time to see my Mom this weekend and that means finding a time when i can enter her house without being mauled by her unruly canine house guest. i also feel the need to pay for the family brunch tomorrow afternoon, as it is certainly my turn to treat everyone. i may even get the opportunity to enjoy a cigar or two over the course of the next few days. i do know that i owe work a couple of hours and after getting the shade up in the backyard today, perhaps that is an activity i can perform. anyhow, it is time to shower off my 5K walk and get dressed to meet the rest of this day, no matter how flexible i will need to be.

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