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nonetheless, i will have FAITH in the POWER that fuels my recovery and continue on MY journey of recovery. so i tried to do a few things this morning and now i am running into a time crunch dang it. no it is not, as i just restarted my day! i still will run, but i goofed on my laundry and the load in the dryer cannot just sit and wrinkle up, waiting for me to get back, so now i have, all of sudden, an additional 30 minutes.
yes i get that i do NOT have all the answers, or even MOST of the answers, but sometimes, it is nice to feel like i have the important ones. you know like: who and what i am; what i am going to do today and will it rain!
as silly as that list may sound, it is just a fraction of what i thought i knew and what i thought was important to know when i walked into the rooms, all those days ago. these days i understand what was once so confused me, namely, when those members with time would say that the longer they stayed clean the less they knew, as counter-intuitive as that may sound. i also used to blanch at the notion that the path of recovery got steeper and more complicated as time went on. i might have to argue a bit with that notion and here is why.
it is actually easier to stay clean these days, at least for me, than it was when i was in early recovery. i have been habituated to doing certain actions, and setting my priorities in a certain order. as a result, most of the time, there are very few issues for me staying clean. i call that living in active recovery. i have lowered my expectations about knowing the whys and wherefores, of everything. most importantly i have come to realize that i really do not want to become the man that walked into the rooms, nor do i want that old life back. i am more than content to keep what i have. keeping what i have, is where the narrower, steeper path comes into play. i understand the concept of grace and i have some. whether that comes from some authority on high, or just is part of the plan of the universe, the grace i have, allows me to slack a bit in my efforts to continue my recovery journey. at that is all -- a bit! the concept that if i am not working an active program i start the downward spiral towards all that i once was, becomes reality. part of what is saving my bacon, no more than likely what is saving my bacon right now, is that i have integrated STEPS 10 11 and 12, into my CONSCIOUS daily program of living, i work them, i live them and i allow them to change me, every single day, without fail. as a result i have the grace to stall on my formal step work, knowing that the gifts are waiting, and yes deferring my gratification for just that much longer. i also do what i was taught way back in those first dark days of my recovery, namely live STEPS 1, 2, and 3. yes i am a step Nazi, and as i told one of the recalcitrant men i sponsor, i ONLY know of ONE way to stay clean, and enjoy life today. that way? an active program of recovery, in a single fellowship, where everyone is just like me! i make no apologies for that and i am not ashamed to admit that yes this addict, may have a few clues is is content to know that he is mostly clueless about far more than ever imagined. that is a gift if recovery and now that my laundry is spinning down, it is time suit up and hit the streets running,. it is a good day to be on this side of the grass!

∞ DT ∞