Blog entry for:

my FAITH in this recovery program and the POWER that fuels my recovery, has yet to become **second nature** to me. that may be part of this recovery journey i never complete. with that caveat, i can certainly state that right here and right now, i have already made the decision to stay clean for this slice of twenty-four hours. implementing that decision means that i will have to be accepting of what happens today and how i think those events affect my life. the effects of life on life*s terms, are far from predictable and these days i go back to a question in the FIRST STEP that asks: do i look at setbacks in life as a personal attack on me?
i am always amazed that when the men i sponsor, stumble on that question. for me, the answer was always straight forward and unequivocally: YES, I DO! recapping what has happened over the past 24, my Mom does not have COVID-19, but the medical profession seems more than a little puzzled by what is going on with her. i want answers NOW, DAMMIT and waiting patiently and accepting that they are not forthcoming, does not seem to be part of who i am. one might fall back on the notion that addiction is all about immediate gratification and one would be correct. to use that as an “out” for how i am feeling, feels like some sort of very bad excuse and a back-tracking towards not taking responsibility for my life. i had thought i had moved beyond the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other sort of thinking. here again, i want to distract myself from the worry and concern that i am feeling, by diverting those feelings into anger and resentment. <BOOM> nice work when one can get it.
as i sat this morning, what kept bubbling up to the surface was that i DO NOT have to take life's ups and downs as some sort of vendetta against me, by an uncaring universe. when i choose to do so, i am sliding back into conceit and arrogance, which are two of the shortcomings that arise out of my defect of low self-worth. i am not worth having a good life. i am not worthy of having “nice things” and i might as well pack it in and take the next train out to relapse land, so i do not have to deal. the foil to that sort of thinking, is what i have learned from my peers in recovery. life may not always be fair. there may not be any sort of “cosmic justice” and things may not even out in the end, BUT, if i accept those as facts and allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to care for me, i will get whatever i need, provided i stay present and act on the opportunities i am presented.
with that thought on the top of my head, i think the time has come to tour the neighborhood and allow myself to be distracted by physical activity, before i move into my next project for today. i am worth staying clean another day. i am worth doing what it takes to be healthier and better adjusted to the world around me. and yes, i am worth having “nice things,” just for today.

∞ DT ∞