Blog entry for:

shining through the differences, that illuminates the way on my individual path.
different yet sharing the same disease, feelings, reactions and thoughts, not an easy concept to swallow, at least for this addict. i have always wanted to be a unique and different individual. through all my striving to be different, i ended up being like all those i hung out with when i was using. by the time i got to recovery, i had been so many different people, in so many different situations, and i was so totally confused, that all i could do is spot how different i was from those around me. part of the problem is that i started in a fellowship that i was not really suited for. i believed certain lies, and not fitting was a good thing in my mind. as long as i had more problems than a single substance, i could keep myself apart from those i shared the rooms with in that first year, and since i was getting recovery in that fellowship, the fellowship i finally ended up in was just for fun, after all i was different there also! the miracle of this whole experience is that in less than seventy-five days, i will be able to celebrate a decade of recovery. and yet, looking for those difference in those first thirteen months of my recovery, and self-sponsoring for the next six months almost killed me. i know today that it was fear of legal consequences that allowed my to maintain my abstinence, and get the little bit of recovery i did in those days.
today however, i cannot afford to be so blithe about how different i am than those with whom i share the rooms. the consequences for me these days would be more painful than spending three years in prison. so i have come to the conclusion that no matter how boring i find meetings, no matter how useless i feel what is being shared is to me, no matter hoe different my story is from those in the rooms today, i NEED to find the similarities to stay clean and maintain my recovery. the only thing that is really different about me and those who are first coming to recovery these days is that i have more days between me and my last use, than they do. with that sobering thopught, i believe i will head out into the real woprld and take care of the things i need to take care of today!

∞ DT ∞