Blog entry for:

vary in individual pattern, from the stories of my peers. okay here is where the BIG BUT, needs to be, and i could use the one from the piece of literature i picked my seed up from, i choose however to leave it at that. that statement of fact, about how individual storied may vary, is part of the diversity i seek and not part of the problem for me. no it appears to me, that what i am struggling with today, is not all that much different from what was on my mind a year ago, and ironically, i feel that perhaps a similar step may need to be initiated. actually, maybe taking such drastic action, is not necessary, what was put on my heart was to do nothing, that things would resolve on their own, in their own time and if i stepped away i would be pleased with the results.
back to the whole notion of compare and contrast. i am very good at doing that,m and form judgements about what may or may not work in my life as a result. i wish i could say that those judgements did not leak out to my behaviors and attitudes. here is where i can fall back on the i am only human line, and say i made a mistake, celebrate my mistake and say i will learn from it, when i damn well know i am on my way to making it again. nope, that story is one i no longer give myself the freedom to tell, to you, my peers, friends and family members, nor to myself. i am certainly worth more than that and trying to sweep my not so stellar, but totally human behavior under the rug, does nothing to advance my cause of becoming the man i have always wanted to be. it is about more for me, right here and right now, than “looking good.”
when i hear the personal experiences of my fellow travelers, i get the opportunity to peer into their souls and see where they have come from. i get insight into my own bias, prejudice and fears, and get the opportunity to move beyond them. their insight, self-examination and journey IS different from mine, even those who are already cured at sixty days clean. i know that i will always be an addict. i know that IF i stick close to other addicts in recovery, i will hear and get what i NEED to stay clean today. i know that my desire to look good, is based in self-centered fear, and i do not need to be the shiniest bulb in the pack. i also know that, like my peers, i can walk with integrity instead of selfishness. their experience, no matter how brief, can be my road map to what works and what does not. i can tell you right now, that i no longer collect status symbols and will probably not allow myself to be used as a status symbol for much longer, once again i am worth more than that. in fact, as this weekend progresses, who knows what may happen. it may become time to man up, stand up and say NO MORE. it may be time, to let go and allow what may be, to become. or as i often tell my friend Jack, it may just be what ‘IS’, and revel in the fact that i did not create that ‘IS’, i merely get to be a part of it.
time to get rolling down the road on this muggy Saturday morning and become one with that very same ‘IS’ just for today i can celebrate my differences with my peers, revel in my similarities and allow the world to spin as it will, because just for today i have a program of recovery in my life, that i CHOOSE to make my priority and need not glom on to whatever bright and shiny thing, happens to cross my path.

∞ DT ∞