Blog entry for:

that promise hope to me as well. so as i sit here this morning, pounding out my missive for the masses, as it were, a couple of things are on my mind. first and foremost is the setting of a boundary in no uncertain terms. over the course of the last month i have been doing just that with my incarcerated friend, and i have one more thing to clean up this afternoon.
something that i am famous for, at least in my own mind, is assuming just because someone once did something for me, that they are willing to continue to do so. i EXPECT that things will not change and even count on it to the extent , that i send others to do my bidding, assuming that just because it once was, it must still be. why is this on my mind? because my friend just pulled that card upon me, and i am pissed off because i had not told him that i was not going to exercise my privilege to go in and see him. yes the heat i feel is on him for certain, but when i examine it, it comes down to me, not specifically telling him that i WILL NOT do this and that. his behavior of sending a proxy is par for the course, i get that, how can one say “FVCK 0FF,” when one is being asked to so something one has already done in the past. today, i will let him know, that this is the last time he can assume i will do anything, without asking me directly. as i have been moving forward in this relationship, i have stumbled over a myriad of land mines, and the worst part of them, is i know they are there, and i helped put them there, because once upon a time, i thought it was the next right thing to do.
i hear one of my peers, hammering home a similar theme, to bring this back towards the topic of the reading today. over the course of their active addiction, they gave away huge chunks of real estate, to the people they loved and who loved them. now, as they are starting to grow, they are reclaiming those pieces and the result is some in their life are not happy about it, and they are uncertain of what sort of person they are becoming. this is a similar journey i am embarked upon with my friend behind bars. what i was once quite willing to give, i am no longer willing or able to give, mostly because it is NOT who i am today. the sad part is he has refused to grow up or change across of our time together and as i become more certain about what is correct for me, he has absolutely no clue. today, once again, i will be expressing in no uncertain terms what it is i am willing to do, and mostly what i see as his unrealistic expectations on me, based on very old and outdated experiences. the only thing that is allowing me to forgive him, is that he is ignorant to what the new real estate that i am willing to allow him to have is, after all, he has been everywhere but in the rooms.
it is because i have watched my peers walk through their sick and unhealthy relationships and find more on the other side, that i am even willing to try and create something different. honestly, not that long ago, i would not have even taken these collect calls, much less be willing to make a special trip into Boulder to give him something, no sirree bob, i would have ×'d him from my life without any hesitation,after all, who the fVck does he think he is, and doeen't he know who i am?
anyhow, time to make the donuts and wrap this up for today. yes it is a good day to set a firm and inflexible boundary.

∞ DT ∞