Blog entry for:

present and available in my encounters with those who are in my life, people begin to trust me. as i walk through this second day of my forced staycation, i am wondering how is it possible that i could feel positive and upbeat when i have all sorts of sh!t going on in my life. cancer, finances, work and health issues. all of that could certainly drive me to distraction and yet here i sit, avoiding my partner because she is always angry these days. not at me, but the stuff she cannot control and frustrates her. i want to reach out and remove her pain even though i cannot. i can, however, be present in her life, support her, love her and allow her to find her way through.
sitting here in the cigar store, enjoying the company and the lack of having a whole lot to do, i wonder if i am really being present for myself or if i am in denial about how bad things really are. i often say i am a cynic and that in every silver lining there is another shoe, waiting to drop. i know that i could be really sick and on my way to shuffling off this mortal coil. i also know i could be looking for a job in six months and at my age, that is not a very bright prospect. the political and social scene that upsets my spouse so much, also pisses the living sh!t out of me as well. acknowledging that could certainly give me pause and could spend the next few days, cowering under my covers, with my phone off, trying to pretend the world is not spinning as it will. yes i COULD do that, but right here and right now, that is a choice i choose not to exercise. i am not a “Susie Sunshine,” nor a “Donnie Downer” either. living in balance, while being reliable and present, is where i desire to be. arriving at that spot is a function of how well i implement my active program of recovery, on a daily basis.
being present and reliable has allowed those who are around me to count on me being here. this is certainly one hundred and eighty degrees out of where i was when i arrived in the rooms. when i look ahead, i could go into pit of despair or into the happy cloud of denial. i choose however, to stay somewhere between those extremes, as i have learned that there are many shades of grey between those extremes. just for today i will walk in the light of being clean and having FAITH, that maybe just maybe, stuff happens for a reason. NAH, stuff just happens and life goes on, good, bad or indifferent.

∞ DT ∞