Blog entry for:

however, in exercising it, i am called on to weigh my own choices and accept the consequences.
living the vida default no more. that is quite a gift, and although i have written about what living my life by default has been like before, perhaps i need to dive once again into that pool. anyhow, the idea of letting others make choice about my life for me, has been abhorrent to me since the time i was twelve. HOWEVER, as i spun down into the life of a using addict, i allowed it to happen again and again. it was in fact the manner in which i chose to live day after day, i was victim of their choices and the less responsibility i took for my own choices the better i felt about using. the more i used, the less decisive i became. the less decisive i became the more i felt victimized and the justified i felt in finding the ways and means to use more. just another one of those tight feedback loops i have been uncovering in my life as an addict.
the really sad part about this, is that recovery did not immediately change any of this mode of living. at first, it is true, that my life and the decisions that guided my daily actions were controlled by the justice system. man oh man, was that a wonderful thing back in those days. i felt that every decision had to be made by someone else. my probation officer, my family, my boss, or my sponsor. i felt that i was incapable of making any decisions and allowed that group to make them for me. some of those people were more than happy to take over that burden, and some refused. needless to say, i was pissed off, here i was in direct violation of my values, actively pursuing the relief from decision making and clean. of course, my anger was directed at those people and not at the real culprit, but anger directed in is a topic for another day. the miracle is that i even stayed clean, back then and when i was released from my sentence.
there is a bit of sick and twisted comfort in living by default and abdicating my responsibility to create my own direction, but toady that comfort is lost to me. DANG IT! well not really. i can be a victim of the consequences of letting others make decisions for me. i can be a victim of letting the tumultuous waves of life sweep in a direction i choose not to go on. OR i can make my own decisions and accept the consequences for them. that choice while a great freedom, is some days quite a burden. today i accept that burden and will choose to live my life in recovery. i am grateful for choice today, so let us see what i can accomplish with that freedom in this day, after all, if i do not grow i will go!

∞ DT ∞