Blog entry for:

difficult as it may seem, i must make those choices for myself and become willing to accept the consequences. freedom, what a loaded term! this idea has been running around my head for a couple of hours now, and i am beginning to see what i heard in the reading this morning in the context of everything else that is happening in my life. i have recently been given quite a gift of freedom, and although i felt it at the time, it triggered an anger response, first at the giver, and then after i realized what she had given me, at myself. the anger has now subsided to a dull roar, and i have decided that i can keep chipping away at the edges and bitter and disheartened, or i can just accept what i have been given, and move on to better places. well the latter is certainly a better choice, so a final dive into the resentment at me pool and perhaps i will be able to finish the process that was started two weeks ago.
well, when i did my fourth step, and fifth stepped with my sponsor, i knew then that my biggest resentment was at myself. oh i had several people on the list, but after sharing about it, and examining them, what it turned out to be was a single resentment towards myself. i was however, mostly clueless about the nature of that resentment, until as i should have realized way back then, i was forced to make amends to myself. those apparent resentments were just the smoke and mirrors i put up to protect myself from the reality i was facing. well the smoke has dissipated and the mirrors have been shattered and what i am left with is facing the reality, that i entered and perpetuated unhealthy relationships to allow the part of me i call my addict a place to hide. when i chose to ignore my heart and not trust my sponsor with what i needed to trust him with. i furthered that cause. i knew that the choice i made would engender a response that i desired -- a quick fix with no work, that i could summarily ignore, because it would not be applicable in any way shape or form to what i really needed to do. then i could add one more to the litany of sins against me, and nourish the resentment i was building towards the person who always did what they did. and in the long run, the more the resentment grew, the more i did to add fuel to my internal fire, until i could no longer stand to even be in the same room. what a fvcking waste of energy and time.
so where does that leave me? well i need to forgive myself for finding my recovery parent, and allowing that unhealthy relationship to flourish for as long as it did. i need to forgive myself for denying what was going on inside of me. and most of all i need to forgive myself for all the damage i have done to me, as a result of this and the other parts of my amends to me, and move on. i can feel that process ongoing this morning, and on that note i think i will sign-off and hit the showers, remembering that i am worth forgiving myself today.

∞ DT ∞