Blog entry for:

and making choices is one of the scariest tasks i face on a daily basis. sure there is easy stuff, like what to where and what to eat, and even these choices were made by my disease when i was using. after all, when it came to eating a nice meal, or even going to the grocery store to buy the ingredients for a home cooked meal, the choice had to be made as to what i could afford after took care of the eternal hunger needing to use. what to wear, you may ask, well i had to blend in with who ever i was hanging with so i could cop, look hip slick and cool or even use for free.
but those simple choices, are among the least of my worries these days. i have to decide on a daily basis as how to proceed with my life from this point. one choice i have consistently made is to not use no matter what, and the consequences of that decision are myriad. among the consequences is that i have the opportunity to better my station in life. without the incessant chattering of addiction; suggesting and bullying me into my next use against my will, i get to feel my feelings, save for the future, and invest the time and energy into a career that i love. and although i still have problems accepting that i have feelings and actually feeling them, i do not have to retreat into the haze of yet another get high. and of course i can be available for those who i happen to share my life with, creating a saner world for those who are part of my life.
i still get paralyzed by the decision process. some days i desire someone or something else to decide everything for me. i look back fondly to those days where default decision-making was the norm and i could cast blame on someone or something else for the consequences of living by default. that euphoric recall is short-lived most days, as i begin to realize what i really have and what i can really be, as a result of deciding to live the program to the best of my ability. yes i want control and yes i want to blameless and without consequences, but neither of those are now nor have ever been reality, they are the illusions of this active addict. and like most illusions, they are nothing but smoke and mirrors to disguise what is really going on. and what is going on is that i am facing life on terms that i sometimes find unacceptable, and when that happens i get to start over and realize that perhaps there is hope for me after all. today, i accept that i have to make a decision or two and live with what those choices may bring, and that is okay, at least for right now!

∞ DT ∞