Blog entry for:

just when i start to doubt that perhaps i have gone down the wrong path, GOD places people and events in my life to remind me what would happen if i made the certain choices.
one of the greatest gifts that i have ever received has been the FREEDOM to choose how i live. in active addiction i thought i had greater freedom, but the reality was, that my day-to-day choices were tightly constrained by the NEED i had to GET HIGH every single day. this simple fact, should be enough to let me know that my choice of recovery today allows me freedom on a level far beyond my wildest dreams.
so anyhow, what has happened to make be so sincerely grateful to be clean today? i got a call from a using addict last night. that in of itself is not that strange, the strange part was that this was a man a twelfth stepped about a month ago at the end of a bout of self-will that nearly killed him. i gave him a copy of a piece of literature i had been carrying since before i got clean, a ride to a meeting and the suggestion that he just keep coming back. well he was not done, and in the course of the past few weeks has managed to have several seizures and a stroke. is he done yet? i do not know! what i do know was that he spent the night with a member in the program and so has at least eight hours clean today. when presented with the choice of recovery he balked and once again is in a place physically, spiritually and emotionally that only an addict can understand and empathize with. a peer in recovery decided it was a good idea to go play cards in a bar, i was blessed with the opportunity to talk with him for quite some time last night and the insanity of his decision screamed at me.
the real problem is after a bit of time clean., i begin to take for granted the freedom i have to choose. i begin to forget the insanity of deciding that maybe i can go somewhere or do something where people are using, and come back clean. the real truth is, i have no power over the choice whether i use or not after a certain point. in taking responsibility for my recovery, my job is to do everything in my power to avoid reaching that point. the point i am talking about is not necessarily a physical place, but more of a spiritual and emotional place. with the help of my friends, my sponsor, my peers and GOD i can choose to what i need to on a daily basis to avoid going there. my responsibility frees me from the burden of making me choose to use -- and for me, right now, right here -- it is still a choice.
so after blathering on about the events of the past twelve hours, i am once again filled with a deep sense of gratitude that this morning i get to be clean, i get to go to work, i get to give a ride to a newcomer, and i get the chance to choose what my life looks like right now!
and that is worth doing what i need to!
∞ DT ∞