Blog entry for:

i allow the drugs or other people to make my most basic decisions for me. with an excellent outcome, as therefore i can blame everything and everyone else for the bad consequences and take credit for the good ones.
living by defaults, in active recovery, while appearing to offer the same freedom from responsibility, causes more problems than it solves. eventually, i have to step out of the fog of denial and look at what i am really doing. the FIRST STEP, when i live it, assures this. while it seems a wonderful state to live in, and one that can be justified with one of the the seemingly trite clichés that litter the language of recovering folks everywhere -- “i am giving it up to my HIGHER POWER.”
well for me, living by default, may appear to be letting go, but in actuality it is living in a world of self-will. i am more than certain that part of a HIGHER POWER's will for me, is to take responsibility for my life, to make decisions, to choose my direction and to learn to live with the consequences of those actions. there is not a lot of which i am certain in that respect, and as i sit here racked by indecision, hoping for something to happen that i can interpret as a ‘sign’ from on high, i get a taste of this reading. what i thought i had settled within, is once again stirred up. when i get stirred up that means i DO NOT WANT to take the responsibility for making a decisions and i am ready to slip back into living by default. after all, when i was in active addiction it worked for me, but i also had the means to forget and numb out any sense of rationality when i needed to do so.
where does that leave me, after wandering all over the map this morning? the three decisions i have been pondering over the past week or so braek down like this. i will implement one, as it feels like the next right thing to do. i will continue to pray on the other two being present for what is going on inside and outside of me. most of all, it m,eans that the time has come to get off my butt and tour the neighborhood at 8 miles per hour to live up to the responsibility of taking care of myself, just for today.

∞ DT ∞