Blog entry for:

as THE spiritual foundation of the fellowship that seemed to choose me, way back when i was ready to choose a path of recovery. not that one path is superior to another, in a very general sense, but on a personal level, this was THE superior choice for me. way back when i was getting clean and attempting to achieve a state of mere abstinence, i was of the opinion that being anonymous was all about not having my shit revealed in public, including meetings. what i said and where i attended were supposed to be closely guarded secrets only revealed under penalty of death. 🤭 the last notion that crossed my mind was that anonymity meant equity, because i believed that equality meant i had to lower myself to the level of those who were in the rooms when i got there, and i would never, ever be one of those losers, with a huge capital “L!”
lo and behold, a minute later, not only one of those in “losers,” in the rooms, i have been one for a bit of time and expect to remain one, at least just for today. letting go of my protective over-inflated self image was tough, as it was part of who i thought i was, rather than the mask i wore to throw everyone off the scent. it may have taken over a couple of decades to finally arrive at a place where i could uncover the person i had been hiding for nearly all of my life and allow that person to be seen by the world around me. as a result, i allow posers to be posers and those who need to appear bigger than life, to be just that, as i have been there, done that and certainly have many of the T-shirts. A as i learned to accept myself as an equal part of my fellowship and my home group, i began to understand what it meant to be “without name.” i am grateful that the fellowship survived my furtive and determined attempts to leave a mark on it. i also know that all i left behind in my wake was not destructive or disruptive, it simply was and if it served a purpose, those marks have survived, without attribution to me.
these days, i may skirt the issue of anonymity with this little exercise, as many who may stumble across these ramblings may recognize it's source, but even here i will not call out my peers by even their first names. i respect their anonymity even though i flout my own. i accept that i am more than just a collection of bad habits, “addictions,” and character traits. i am not defined by what i do, my checkbook balance, who i know or my reputation. all of those are part of me, but do not identify or mark me as this or that. these days, i am simply an addict in recovery, who is finally awake and sees his place in the world and how he got here, just for today.

∞ DT ∞