¹ today, i will accept responsibility for my recovery, ¹
Posted: Sun, Oct 20, 2013 12:25:44 PM
make my own choices, and accept the consequences. ironically, i heard one of my peers share this week about how freedom of choice, especially when it came to doing what addicts do naturally, was something that they were not very happy with these days. as much as i bitch, whine and moan about living my life in the default mode, allowing other people, and circumstances to dictate the shape of my reality, i get what they were saying. there are days i want to be able to sue, with absolutely no consequences. when i came to recovery, that is what i thought was the nature of reality, using was just that, using, not some sort of life choice, life style or prison. it was freedom, in my limited perception of the world and i truly believed i had a choice way back when. the reality, looking back on those days, is that i had no choice, my life was shaped by active addiction. the people i chose to hang out with, were those who could use almost like i did and everything i did, i HAD to do high. that was fun and man was that the LIE i told myself over and over again.
early recovery was not much different, i HAD to stay clean, and my reality was shaped by the 20th judicial district and compliance with the terms and conditions they set forth. recovery, at least back then, did not feel like a choice, truly it felt like a constraint on my life and who's yoke i chafed under every waking moment of my life. fear of the consequences of using, kept me clean and allowed me the freedom, limited as it was, to try out this new manner of living without buying into it, hook, line and sinker.
so a phone line call later, with a concerned parent, once again, and now i have to get a feeling for where is was going with all of this, what seems like way long ago.
ah yes, freedom of choice and living my life as an active participant in my life. today, i see that there is a manner of living where i can be present, i can see the consequences of most of my choices and i can choose or NOT choose to do something, just because that is how life is. yes living be default is much easier. it takes all the work out of living at all. living bey default also gives me the opportunity to blame what happens on all sorts of outside people places and things. after all…
no longer am i satisfied blaming addiction, other people or the world in general for the shape of my reality today. although i do not necessarily buy into the whole power of positive thinking and creating my reality through sheer force of my will, i do see the salient point in that line of thought. when i go with the flow, accept who and what i am, and do the next right thing no matter what it happens to be, i GET to make the choices about what will happen in my life most of the time. of course, the rest of the world holds power over me, i get that and accept that today. i choose, however, to exercise what little personal power i have today,m to the best of my ability, by making the choices that are put before me. one of which is to finish this up, run my errands and get the side jobs cleaned off of my desk. it is after all, part of my reality today as well.
early recovery was not much different, i HAD to stay clean, and my reality was shaped by the 20th judicial district and compliance with the terms and conditions they set forth. recovery, at least back then, did not feel like a choice, truly it felt like a constraint on my life and who's yoke i chafed under every waking moment of my life. fear of the consequences of using, kept me clean and allowed me the freedom, limited as it was, to try out this new manner of living without buying into it, hook, line and sinker.
so a phone line call later, with a concerned parent, once again, and now i have to get a feeling for where is was going with all of this, what seems like way long ago.
ah yes, freedom of choice and living my life as an active participant in my life. today, i see that there is a manner of living where i can be present, i can see the consequences of most of my choices and i can choose or NOT choose to do something, just because that is how life is. yes living be default is much easier. it takes all the work out of living at all. living bey default also gives me the opportunity to blame what happens on all sorts of outside people places and things. after all…
no longer am i satisfied blaming addiction, other people or the world in general for the shape of my reality today. although i do not necessarily buy into the whole power of positive thinking and creating my reality through sheer force of my will, i do see the salient point in that line of thought. when i go with the flow, accept who and what i am, and do the next right thing no matter what it happens to be, i GET to make the choices about what will happen in my life most of the time. of course, the rest of the world holds power over me, i get that and accept that today. i choose, however, to exercise what little personal power i have today,m to the best of my ability, by making the choices that are put before me. one of which is to finish this up, run my errands and get the side jobs cleaned off of my desk. it is after all, part of my reality today as well.
∞ DT ∞