Blog entry for:

my emotional decay, my spiritual demise, and the crushing awareness that nothing would ever change were constants.
yes, although i would have never admitted back then, i was hopeless and full of despair for quite a while at the end of my active addiction. i would not have told you that i had thoughts of suicide back then, but my actions told quite a different story. one of the things i did to show that i was not an addict was to change my delivery method. all that did was limit the amount of drug that i could ingest as a single dose. looking back on that decision i see that it was a decision i made because i was afraid to die, i was far less likely to overdose using in the method i chose then and eschewing all others. the point of this whole trip down memory lane? well it drives home what i was feeling towards the end of active addiction and strips off the veneer of plausible deniability i had created for myself and those around me. that veneer kept me from seeing how miserable my exsistence was and taking actions to improve it. all my behaviors were geared to extending my misery, slowing down my demise, and surviving another day.
my early recovery was not much better, survival seemed to be what i was going to get, thriving and living were not visible to me back then,and did not become apparent for quite a while. i had lost the only buffer between myself and reality and had yet to develop any tools to apply to my life.
when the change came, it was profound, although i probably missed it, like i missed everything else. i do remember waking up one morning, sometime after six months clean with a feeling that it was good to be alive and the time had come to start living, probably for the very first time since i was nine or ten tears old.
these days, i make an effort to see what i can do to thrive instead of survive. i have days at which i am good at this, and i have days when i am not so good, but the point is, i desire more than simple existence, i desire to be an active part of my own life. the program gives me the tools to do so, and i gratefully accept that yes it is cold and cloudy today, yes i have to many responsibilities to accomplish, BUT it is great to be alive, and have these luxury items to whine about. life on life’sterms indeed!

∞ DT ∞