Blog entry for:

of my emotions, my spirit, and my physical health, takes time!
yes i met with my sponsor last night and no i did not move on to my SEVENTH STEP, but that will not be too far in the distant future, as the the answer to the question that is left, may already be present in my conscious mind.
the reading, this morning, goes tight to the heart of one of the topics that we spoke about last night, namely that a new life is not the end game here. it is quite true, that before coming to recovery, my life was not as ideal i once believed. in fact most of what i felt and thought, was warped by the force of active addiction, beyond anything resembling survival skills and certainly not skills that allowed me to thrive. denial kept me in active addiction and denial to this day, continues to block me from becoming the person i want to be as well as keeping me focused on the symptoms, rather than the cause of my misery. as i grow and yes evolve, what i thought was living, looks more and more like just getting by, even across my time in recovery. the nice part, yes even that dire statement has a nice part, is that as i stay clean, i live a life of rising expectations, that can only be met by me doing what i need to do, to the best of my ability, to live a program of active recovery. o yes, there is quite the catch here. as i stay clean, and work a program of recovery, the resurrection of my feelings, my spirit, my HOPE and my dreams, continues unabated. i happen to like living in a world of rising expectations and i am not talking about needing or even wanting to keep making more money and accumulating things, those are gifts that i am grateful for, but are not necessary for em to thrive. what i am talking about is the emergence of the person, i have always wanted to be. the person who is good enough to live this life with his head held high and accept his humanness, frailties and yes even defects of character as what they are, part of the evolving man. when i look back on my life in active addiction, i am surprised at how low my expectations of myself actually were. if i could get high that day, i could scrape by, and the rest, well who cared about the rest, because getting high was the bomb and it blew all other desires, wants, aspirations, hopes and dreams out of the water. that is not my life today, and for that i am grateful.
anyhow, i do have work to do, places to go and miles to travel before i sleep, so it is off to the showers and into this day, fresh from the realization that regardless what the part of me i call addiction, happens to tell me today, it is more than likely a lie, and these days it is a lie of omission, as most of the other baldfaced lies have been shown for the falsehoods that they actually are. after all I DO RECOVER, day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute and as long as that process is ongoing i can be even better tomorrow.

∞ DT ∞