Blog entry for:

this morning i am feeling spiritually full, just like a weekend convention used to make me feel, but i regret the time i spend away from my significant other and the people with whom i share my daily life. i wonder whether i am walking in GOD's will or mine but that is a topic for another day.
today i need to look at how i can celebrate the gift i have been given -- this new life! i often wonder what would have happened to me, if i had been merely compliant with the justice system and decided to return to the life of active addiction when society removed its sword. extrapolating the path from where i left off, the only conclusion i can come to, is that i would have probably been dead by my own hand, not that i was suicidal or anything, just that the amounts of substances i was using, the manner i used and the behaviors of getting and finding the ways to get more, would have contributed to my demise.
so looking at my life today and the fact that i am still kicking should be enough to make me celebrate loudly and constantly -- WAHOOOOOOO! -- :) however that is not the case. i am not satisfied with things the way they are right now but as events progress i am living in fear of the outcome. there was once a time when change and uncertainty excited me. and then i used and change and uncertainty became my enemy. i settled for continuity and tried to control my life, my feelings and the people that were part of my life.
recovery has given me a new life, where uncertainty and change are once again active but has yet to change me to accept that fact. i want more, i work towards having a better life and yet i still hold back trying to exert that illusionary control. i whine about the current state of things, instead of accepting the results of my actions. and i live in FEAR of what may or may not be. but thinking about my resistance and looking at what might have been, i am beginning to feel grateful that the things i am feeling are truly luxury bitches. when i apply my rational mind to the problem and leave the irrational bullshit behind, i really do see that i have stuff to celebrate today and the first and foremost is that once again i have decided to choose to not use today!
∞ DT ∞