Blog entry for:

than surviving, is certainly how i see my life today. a long, long time ago, i told myself; **self, if this recovery gig does not make your life any better, go back to using.** over the course of my days clean, i have arrived at having to judge whether or not this way of life was worth the price i was paying, as getting high was still working for me, when i came to the rooms. even a year ago when i was condemned to a hellish existence of supporting and application that was cut-off at the knees by upper management. i reached a point where i could still see a bit of HOPE and stayed clean, even though a bit of using seemed as if it was a very good idea. what i learned from that gift, was it was time to find another way to earn my daily bread and that i was worth more than a quick toke to relieve my stress. little did i realize what was coming: the death of my Dad, an aunt, an uncle, a new job, a trip to Greece and FREEDOM from a lie that crippled me for most of my life. looking back, i can see that even if all those “gifts” had not come my way, not using in those dark days, a year ago was the next right thing.
sitting here, early in the Sunday afternoon, considering my convention experience, i see that because the speaker last night was a powerful, well-spoken woman of color, i was looking for the flaws in her share. she may have exhibited a bit of hubris and entitlement, but as the saying goes, “you spot it, you got it.” which i picked up in a workshop yesterday. i get to use it two more times, than it is mine. when i take away my judgements and biases, i hear her message, that it is what happens within that is important. the past year has wrought huge changes within me, and as a result, i am doing much more than just “getting by.”
the time has come to complete this exercise and get into my day. my life is full and even if i do not like some of those i love, i know that tomorrow, just may be the day, when that changes. my job is to get through this day and allow the changes that are part of this recovery process to happen. anything less, would be selling myself short, and that toke may just end up being a “bright idea.”

∞ DT ∞