Blog entry for:

my emotional decay, my spiritual demise, and the crushing awareness that nothing would ever change were constants. although if you had asked me, i would have quite blithely denied that any of this was part of my internal landscape. the gift that active addiction gave me, that allowed me to survive all those years, was a strong denial system, that protection allowed me to use survive and yes even thrive at times, for those last bleak years of active addiction. i have heard it said, that the drugs must be different now, then when i was starting out, after all, it seems that newer members reach their jumping off point to recovery quicker than ever before. i do not know about that. for me. i got to sample most of the stuff that is currently going around these days, and it did not shorten my time by one jot. i have come to the conclusion that i was done when i needed to be done, in fact, GOD arranged for consequences for my behavior to force me into the rooms, where the miracle happened. what miracle was that? why the miracle that an addict like me, could stay clean for twenty-four hours in a row, and after a few sets of twenty-four hours, actually lose the desire to use. was i open to this miracle happening, not by a long shot! the same structure of denial that protected me from the harsh reality of my life before recovery, worked against the very recovery that i was seeking.
but of course this reading is all about the gift of desperation, the HOPE that can come out of it, and the miracle of life in recovery. i could go on and on about how denial blocked me in those early days, and still prevents me from seeing stuff that i need to see to this day. but that is an old and tired story that hardly needs to be rehashed here this morning. what i feel this morning is the incredible sense of HOPE i felt the first time i caught a glimpse of my true self through the lenses of the steps, that peek came at about six months clean, when i was in the the four hour process of going through fours steps, but all it was a glimpse. that brief vision of the man i could become, provided the impetus for me to desire more from life than freedom from the judicial system that gift was the first spiritual awakening of many, and enough to start opening my eyes to dreams that i had left behind as part of the deal with the part of me i call my addict. that glimpse, gave me the HOPE, that i could be more than just another addict, dying by degrees, trapped in the obsession and compulsion to use no matter what. it gave me the HOPE to move forward and choose where i really wanted to recover. and it gave me thew HOPE to embrace a manner of living that allows me to be more, every day.
and after all, if i did not have HOPE, where would the desire to do what it takes to live a program of active recovery come from? certainly not from anything inside of me. left to my own devices i will use again, because i will become so miserable, so isolated and so bitter, that the only alternative will be to use and see what happens. i know that particular fork in the road can be my future, i also know that it does not HAVE to be. to feed my HOPE all i have to do, is do what has kept me clean -- works steps, go to meetings, surrender to my powerlessness and give my will and my life into the care of the POWER that keeps me clean. a simple manner of living that will provide me the means to thrive today AND BEYOND. so off to the showers…

∞ DT ∞