μ in my life as an active addict, emotional decay, spiritual demise, and the crushing awareness μ
Posted: Sat, Nov 14, 2009 09:30:20 AM
...that nothing would ever change were constants. i had little hope and no concept of the life i was missing out on. yes, i did start out with a dark thought this morning, not because i necessarily am in a dark spot, rather because i feel hopeful, and for me to express my hope this morning, i have to contrast with a darkness that i can remember well.
in truth, i did not feel like i was merely surviving when i came into the rooms. i was quite clueless about how empty i had become, and how bleak my world and world view really were. i was going through the motions of living, i had all the appearances of being alive, namely a pulse. i was however, oblivious to what the world and life really was offering me. my life as an active addict, had taken all of that from me, well honestly, i gratefully gave all of that up to maintain my active addiction, and i told myself that this was as good as it was going to get, so get over it and move along. the ironic part of this is, that the bleaker my world got, the more i denied it, and the more into a fantasy i withdrew, bolstered by the liberal application of mood and mind altering substances.
my denial and the structure i built up to bolster and protect were so complete that i would have told you i was living and yes even thriving. to me, way back when that is how it looked. from the vantage point of some days clean, i can see quite clearly now, that all i was doing was surviving to use yet another day. i could go on and on about how bleak it was, how empty i was and all the horrors of life as an active addict, but that is quite pointless and really not part of what i feel today.
today, i am learning how to thrive and doing that means that i learn how to live today, to make tomorrow even better. i have the desire to live, to enjoy living and to see the world as a place that will allow me to be more than i have ever dreamed was possible. i can love and be loved, i can plan to be around for some time, and make the changes in my life to allow being around for a long time to be an enjoyable experience. most of all, i can wake up each day with a sense of wonder at the miracle that my life has become. people like me, do not often get to actually rise from the despair of active addiction, people like me fade into gray and shuffle off this mortal coil, often unloved and unlovable. although this is fun, i need to get out and start living today, so it off to the races to make up for the day of work i missed yesterday.; it was a good thing to do yesterday, and it is a good thing to do today. LIVE and THRIVE that is.
in truth, i did not feel like i was merely surviving when i came into the rooms. i was quite clueless about how empty i had become, and how bleak my world and world view really were. i was going through the motions of living, i had all the appearances of being alive, namely a pulse. i was however, oblivious to what the world and life really was offering me. my life as an active addict, had taken all of that from me, well honestly, i gratefully gave all of that up to maintain my active addiction, and i told myself that this was as good as it was going to get, so get over it and move along. the ironic part of this is, that the bleaker my world got, the more i denied it, and the more into a fantasy i withdrew, bolstered by the liberal application of mood and mind altering substances.
my denial and the structure i built up to bolster and protect were so complete that i would have told you i was living and yes even thriving. to me, way back when that is how it looked. from the vantage point of some days clean, i can see quite clearly now, that all i was doing was surviving to use yet another day. i could go on and on about how bleak it was, how empty i was and all the horrors of life as an active addict, but that is quite pointless and really not part of what i feel today.
today, i am learning how to thrive and doing that means that i learn how to live today, to make tomorrow even better. i have the desire to live, to enjoy living and to see the world as a place that will allow me to be more than i have ever dreamed was possible. i can love and be loved, i can plan to be around for some time, and make the changes in my life to allow being around for a long time to be an enjoyable experience. most of all, i can wake up each day with a sense of wonder at the miracle that my life has become. people like me, do not often get to actually rise from the despair of active addiction, people like me fade into gray and shuffle off this mortal coil, often unloved and unlovable. although this is fun, i need to get out and start living today, so it off to the races to make up for the day of work i missed yesterday.; it was a good thing to do yesterday, and it is a good thing to do today. LIVE and THRIVE that is.
∞ DT ∞