Blog entry for:

alrighty then, a whole lot of shaking going on. a bit of anger at the person who left the piles of mud on the car wash floor. seriously the 20 seconds it took me to wash it down the drain, was not worth the emotional attachment i had, once i stepped into it and nearly slid on my a$$. truthfully,. i was just as self-centered as that person who left the mess behind them, as it was all about me, and look what they did to me. writing this out, i see they insanity of my thinking and at least the person that follows me, will not have a similar issue, as i did the self-motivated thing and washed the mud out of my way.
the topic at the meeting today was self-acceptance, and i did not share, even though one or more of those in attendance gave me the dreaded “share stare!” there really was nothing for me to add, so being quiet was a good thing, as i certainly did nut feel the urge to succumb to peer pressure. just for right the, i was comfortable enough to be myself and most importantly be quiet, it happens, and today i allowed myself to do so.
finally my incarcerated sponsee, shared what his charges were. i have not asked, nor have i looked him up. i decided that the best course of action was to allow him to find the desire to open up to me. whether or not he will find the rooms once he gets out, is not my stuff. i will be here for him and perhaps it will be sooner, rather than later.
back to the topic. i really did not and i do not stay clean merely to survive. back then, i did not want what i saw, and now all i want to do is give it away. one of the things i desire most is to thrive in recovery. just getting by, is not enough. i was never promised a whole lot, when i finally arrived and i have been given all of that and so much more. part of that is the ability to be still, pay attention to what is going on and be okay, being quiet and being by myself, from time to time. that does not mean the judgement machine shuts off. no it seems that it softens its tone and tunes down the volume. it does not mean i am more or less anything, it just means that just for right now, i need not compare, contrast and evaluate my standing with my peers and associates. which when it comes down to it, is what i am all about today, just being.
it is time now, for a little nap and some reading. i am grateful that i have the ability to do more than eke out my existence in recovery, i can create a whole new life, beyond my wildest pipe dreams.

∞ DT ∞