Blog entry for:

and no concept of what living my life in recovery could become, is certainly a sad state of affairs. for me, that was life on its own terms, way back when. even after i got clean, i did not pop into a state of wonderment and gratitude about the vistas recovery was beginning to open up for me. it is a simple fact of my cynical outlook about stuff that makes me raise an eyebrow when i hear newcomers seemingly reach that state in their first thirty days of recovery. i have, however, come to accept that maybe, just maybe that is their reality and they are not just “playing for the camera.”
ah, but once again i distracted myself from what i heard this morning, as i allowed myself to quietly sit and see what soaked in. it certainly was the manner in which one of my peers is living their life and my judgement of the behaviors i have noticed. their example takes me back to a time when i certainly thought i “knew” it all. that “event” after i had worked the twelve steps in another fellowship, but before i became a member of either of the two fellowships that i frequented. oh, i could talk the talk and even to some extent walk the walk. i was, however, living in a state of self-delusion about where i was going and my life, while looking much better on the outside, was not that much brighter on the inside. i pontificated on the whys and wherefores of addiction, obsessing to a fault what in my life “cursed” me to be an addict and how could i escape from under the hammer of being a victim of addiction. i could go on and on about how “healthy” my life was, even though i was smoking a pack of cigarettes every day. i could philosophize, rationalize and justify just about any bit of nonsensical behavior, by pulling phrases from the literature of two fellowships way out of context. i used my “knowledge” to feign wisdom, and the only one i ended up fooling was myself. basically, i denied myself six months of “living” because i had no intention of staying clean for any length of time. the ends ↝ getting off paper, justified the means ↝ living a lie.
when i give “advice” today, i often wonder if i am truly following my own example. am i treating my partner in life as an equal, or do i place my needs before hers? am i espousing the benefits of a healthier lifestyle, while ignoring the fact that nicotine and caffeine are still a huge part of my life? am i a bad joke and a hypocrite because my priorities are so messed up that i am failing to live up to my responsibilities at home? am i supporting myself or living off the largess of others, materially, emotionally and spiritually?
taking an honest inventory as i sit at this place in my step work, is certainly part of living my life today. i have the desire to get more out of living, these days and i certainly do. i wonder if i allow the POWER that fuels my recovery to work in my life, how much more i can get, as i am still greedy and avaricious. just for today, i think i will leave those “weighty” issues behind and head on down to work. it is a great day to do more than just h=get by, and i think i will work on that as well.

∞ DT ∞