¡ **i would be better off dead!** ¿
Posted: Thu, Nov 14, 2013 07:54:48 AM
in active addiction i had little hope and no concept of the life i was missing out on. so as many know i was pursuing an opportunity to advance my career, well the results are in and i came in second. now i could flip that any way i want to, the fact is, i am not leaving my current employer and actually that is not a bad thing. it is nice to have the opportunity to take a peek at what is out there, when one is comfortably ensconced in a great situation. like, really, you know!
another pet peeve, is so-called smart people sounding totally, like, ignorant but that may be a rant for another morning, as this is supposed to be about me and not, like, someone else.
a brief diver into another realm and i am back. oh, i could regale of the stories that look so stupid and are quite hilarious, from my using days, to illustrate my point that today i am alive and d thriving, rather than just surviving. honestly, i was never consciously suicidal, but i certainly expressed a death wish in most of my behaviors, first and foremost, the nature of how and what i used. the seed i used this morning, i more than a bit of hyperbole, because there was only a brief slice of time, when i actually had any notion of ending it all, but the grind of the same old crap that filled my days, did wear on me. i would love to say,, that the days do not grind into monotony today, but i am after all, a creature of habit, whether or not i am clean. i like routine, and ca certain sense of what today may bring. one thing has changed though, i am not as easily upset by unexpected events that alter the path of my course through this 24 hour slice of time. those of you who are paying attention, may notice how many qualifiers i put into that last statement. all it takes is a few adjectives and adverbs and hyperbole turns into a statement of fact. yes, i get angry when things do not go as planned. yes i even act out as a reaction to that feeling. anger does pass, and the consequences of my reactions, are not as transient. so part of living in the real world, just for today is to own my feelings and move on. i am disappointed that i did not get the new position, but not angry at the world. life will present a new opportunity for me, when it really is time for me to move on. i just have to be awake and alive enough to jump on it, when it comes down the pike. that is a gift of recovery, and for that i am grateful and no, i will not be seeing a doctor to get a red card, so i can drown my sorrows, at least not today. it is a good day to be clean and i will do what i can to live and thrive today, rather than merely survive.
another pet peeve, is so-called smart people sounding totally, like, ignorant but that may be a rant for another morning, as this is supposed to be about me and not, like, someone else.
a brief diver into another realm and i am back. oh, i could regale of the stories that look so stupid and are quite hilarious, from my using days, to illustrate my point that today i am alive and d thriving, rather than just surviving. honestly, i was never consciously suicidal, but i certainly expressed a death wish in most of my behaviors, first and foremost, the nature of how and what i used. the seed i used this morning, i more than a bit of hyperbole, because there was only a brief slice of time, when i actually had any notion of ending it all, but the grind of the same old crap that filled my days, did wear on me. i would love to say,, that the days do not grind into monotony today, but i am after all, a creature of habit, whether or not i am clean. i like routine, and ca certain sense of what today may bring. one thing has changed though, i am not as easily upset by unexpected events that alter the path of my course through this 24 hour slice of time. those of you who are paying attention, may notice how many qualifiers i put into that last statement. all it takes is a few adjectives and adverbs and hyperbole turns into a statement of fact. yes, i get angry when things do not go as planned. yes i even act out as a reaction to that feeling. anger does pass, and the consequences of my reactions, are not as transient. so part of living in the real world, just for today is to own my feelings and move on. i am disappointed that i did not get the new position, but not angry at the world. life will present a new opportunity for me, when it really is time for me to move on. i just have to be awake and alive enough to jump on it, when it comes down the pike. that is a gift of recovery, and for that i am grateful and no, i will not be seeing a doctor to get a red card, so i can drown my sorrows, at least not today. it is a good day to be clean and i will do what i can to live and thrive today, rather than merely survive.
∞ DT ∞