Blog entry for:

my wreckage and live differently, i see that i am finally living a life that is more than worthy of more than a modicum of self-respect. quite honestly, i am the last person in the world who actually seems to respect me. no matter how well i am doing stuff, no matter how spiritually fit i am, no matter how hard i am working out, i always find something wrong with me. the slightest imperfection in any part of my day,. spins me down into a cycle of self-deprecation and abuse. i would love to say, that this was ancient history, but it still is part of my daily living. the good news, and i need some after that last admission, the cycle of abuse and degradation is shorter and happens less often, so there is more than a bit of progress on that front. i am finally getting a clue or three about where the unmanageability in my life resides and what i need to focus on, as i actually start writing my steps.
there are a few facts of life more telling than this, as a matter of fact, my obsessive desire to be “perfect” or at least appear to be perfect has overridden any pride in what i have accomplished over the course of my life. sure, i summited Kilimanjaro, BUT i got a ride down for the last mile and a half. yes i have been to Greece and walked in places i learned about in art history classes, BUT i did not pay for that trip. the list goes on and on and each and every one of those so-called “facts” are used to diminish myself and return me to the empty shell of a person i once was.
that sort of behavior is no longer acceptable to me. i have cleaned up my past. i have a plan for my future. i live in the present tense, each and every day, practicing a program of active recovery, so WTF🙻 🤔 🤕
this morning, as i step out into this cold November morning, i can rest assured that unless i really go off on a tangent of self-will, today will not be like any day before i got clean or became serious about my recovery. i know who and what i am, and i know that even when i do not feel like it, i am worth respecting myself. i am still human and i often and stumble and fall, but the best parts of me way outweigh the worst. just for today, i will be okay with being far less than perfect and not use my humanity as an excuse to bring out the whips and chains.

∞ DT ∞