Blog entry for:

how precious and delightful my life can be. it is true, that i courted death on a daily basis when i was using. it is also true, that i only remember one instance in my life, when i wondered if to be, was what i wanted. most importantly, i NEED to be certain to remember that my life in active addiction was no fun-filled laugh riot, where every day was similar to being in the “Happiest Place on Earth,” it certainly was not. my existence, back in those days was grey, monotonous and boring and the only thing that kept me from seeing that was substances and very selective nostalgic recall. before i go on, there is a caveat here: i had some very good times when i was using and although my peers love to say it, for me, i had better days using than some of my worst days clean. overall, however, living my life in active recovery, is a much more exciting and full life, than my life in active addiction, such as it was.
yes a bit of rainbows, unicorns, sunshine and light coming up here. my life may not be filled with non-stop joy and happiness but it is perfect, just for today. i can say that because i have a program of recovery that allows me the FREEDOM to accept that no matter what, i am better off clean, than being ruled by my need to change the way i see the world and reality. i can worry about global climate change, nuclear annihilation, social injustice, the slowly creeping removal of my rights as a citizen and the intolerant political landscape. while all of those are certainly things i should be concerned about, i need not obsess about them. nor will i bury my head in the sand and believe that next year all will change in the next election cycle, the fact is. it is me who needs to be proactive about what i need to change in my life and the world around, take the steps to make my life a bit better and leave the results to the powers that be. i have FAITH today, that IF i am awake and do the next right thing as it is presented to me, things will work out. i have no illusions of what i can and cannot control, but one thing is for certain, i CAN make my life a little bit better and brighter through my own efforts.
the “fly in the ointment?” i am not content with my current job. i am not content with my current level of fitness. i am not content with the number of bad habits i still retain and i am not content in staying exactly as i am. none of that is written in stone and all of those less than content states are things i can work on and change, because i am clean and have an active program of recovery, all i have to do is decide to make those changes and allow my actions to be guided towards implementing them in my life. that was an option that was may have been possible, back in the day, but not highly probable, as any motion towards that way of life, was almost always short-circuited by my overwhelming desire to use.
the time has come however, to put this aside and get to work, for reals, as that is part of my life today as well. i may not enjoy what i do, but i do get paid for it and today i give my employers their due.

∞ DT ∞