α the more experience i gain in living, rather than merely existing, α
Posted: Tue, Nov 14, 2006 07:19:06 AM
the more i understand how precious and delightful life can be!
well first off, this was not the choice line that i first wanted to write about. my first inclination was to take a darker line from the reading and grow my HOPE from there, and for some reason i decided to take a different tack, perhaps i am getting a bit better after all.
thinking back about my outlook on life during and at the end of my active addiction and and examining those same attitudes and feelings about life the universe and everything today provides this addict a sense of gratitude. after all, life is not some great conspiracy against me these days. and the people i encounter in my day to day living are not out to get me. and i am doing more, feeling more and actually being more of a participant in my own life than i have ever been able to be in my past, including my recent past. of course there are two or three things that i seem to stumble across on a daily basis, attitudes and beliefs that were part of my cosmology when i got clean and have yet to be altered to fit the reality of life as it is for today. one of the most pernicious belief that has yet to be altered is that i do not deserve to have the life i have and any day now i will wake up in the hospital, after a nine year coma, induced by an overdose and discover that my recovery and the gifts have all been but a dream. that i have yet to escape my active addiction and still have not a clue about what life really is. this belief hangs on despite evidence to the contrary, that i am really alive and doing things i never thought were possible. how can someone like me change and become more than i ever was? after all, the things i did, the few feeling that i had, and my outlook on life, created a being that was well beyond redemption.
so now you know why i had to choose to write about HOPE, i am after all doing something more, i do not want to believe that this whole recovery gig is some sort of cruel joke i am playing on myself, and i desparately want to believe that i am becoming more and worthy of everything i have been given. and what have i been given? MERCY for one thing, and a manner of living that is so contrary to the way that i was, that i still have troubling believing that it can be happening. so what do i need to do today? well accept that regardless of what my head tells me, i am actually alive and becoming a different person, that i am worthy of recovery and that the awakening of my spirit is a real process and not some drug-induced hallucination. and that is task enough for anyone in recovery today, much less me! so off to the showers to exercise a bit of responsibility and joy. it is after all a new day!
well first off, this was not the choice line that i first wanted to write about. my first inclination was to take a darker line from the reading and grow my HOPE from there, and for some reason i decided to take a different tack, perhaps i am getting a bit better after all.
thinking back about my outlook on life during and at the end of my active addiction and and examining those same attitudes and feelings about life the universe and everything today provides this addict a sense of gratitude. after all, life is not some great conspiracy against me these days. and the people i encounter in my day to day living are not out to get me. and i am doing more, feeling more and actually being more of a participant in my own life than i have ever been able to be in my past, including my recent past. of course there are two or three things that i seem to stumble across on a daily basis, attitudes and beliefs that were part of my cosmology when i got clean and have yet to be altered to fit the reality of life as it is for today. one of the most pernicious belief that has yet to be altered is that i do not deserve to have the life i have and any day now i will wake up in the hospital, after a nine year coma, induced by an overdose and discover that my recovery and the gifts have all been but a dream. that i have yet to escape my active addiction and still have not a clue about what life really is. this belief hangs on despite evidence to the contrary, that i am really alive and doing things i never thought were possible. how can someone like me change and become more than i ever was? after all, the things i did, the few feeling that i had, and my outlook on life, created a being that was well beyond redemption.
so now you know why i had to choose to write about HOPE, i am after all doing something more, i do not want to believe that this whole recovery gig is some sort of cruel joke i am playing on myself, and i desparately want to believe that i am becoming more and worthy of everything i have been given. and what have i been given? MERCY for one thing, and a manner of living that is so contrary to the way that i was, that i still have troubling believing that it can be happening. so what do i need to do today? well accept that regardless of what my head tells me, i am actually alive and becoming a different person, that i am worthy of recovery and that the awakening of my spirit is a real process and not some drug-induced hallucination. and that is task enough for anyone in recovery today, much less me! so off to the showers to exercise a bit of responsibility and joy. it is after all a new day!
∞ DT ∞