Blog entry for:

Sat, Nov 17, 2007 08:15:26 AM


∞ it hurts like never before. i talk to God, and still do not feel any better. ∞
posted: Sat, Nov 17, 2007 08:15:26 AM

 

**it will pass,** a little voice tells me. **when?** i wonder, as i get on with my day.
the pain just does not seem to pass, i have been fortunate enough to have periods like this in my recovery, and i have been **lucky** or **connected** enough to get through times like this without using. this is one of the things that made my early recovery such a difficult time for me. the changes that were happening inside were compounded by events in my life that were beyond my power to control and forced me to feel some feelings that i thought i could never survive clean. grief, anger and despair were my constant handmaidens in those days, and yet i did not use. among the reasons i did use back in the day was, that i did not like feelings of any sort. i know i have written about this particular aspect of my life more than once, so i will not belabor that point. early recovery put me through some changes that i was not willing to go through. that unwillingness was almost greater than the forces that were working in my life, that eventually set me on the road to recovery. it was magic, or a miracle or however you want to look at it, that i **got it,** the it being the desire to stay clean no matter what. what i also got was the understanding that feelings, while quite uncomfortable, and long-lived do pass, and that a feeling never killed me, no matter how long the feeling persisted. i am just as likely to fall victim to periods of feelings that some may call **positive.** extended periods of joy and exuberance lead me into the trap that i can celebrate in a manner that i know will lead me back to the land of active addiction.
one of the gifts of active recovery is the ability to feel what i need to feel, and the ability to endure those feelings until they change, and in my experience my feelings do change, if allow the process to work itself to its ineveitable conclusion. so anyhow, it is a good day to stay clean today, and i think i will, no matter how i feel the rest of this day!

∞ DT ∞

 

djtConsulting Brand
The views expressed on this page are solely the opinion of the author.
While the author is a member of a 12 Step recovery fellowship, these writings are not intended to endorse or express the published wisdom of any fellowship.
These writings are not meant to be socially or politically correct, and if you take issue with any opinions expressed, please seek the guidance of someone wiser than me.

Another Look!

it will pass 144 words ➥ Wednesday, November 17, 2004 by: donnot
α no matter what! ω 350 words ➥ Thursday, November 17, 2005 by: donnot
∞ no matter how i feel today, i will go on with my recovery ∞ 380 words ➥ Friday, November 17, 2006 by: donnot
μ it hurts like never before. but i do not relapse. μ 394 words ➥ Monday, November 17, 2008 by: donnot
∫ my insides feel as though they have been torched. just when the pain becomes unbearable ∫ 399 words ➥ Tuesday, November 17, 2009 by: donnot
" i never have to use again, no matter how i feel " 388 words ➥ Wednesday, November 17, 2010 by: donnot
∧ this too, shall pass ∧ 496 words ➥ Thursday, November 17, 2011 by: donnot
¡ no matter how i feel today , 601 words ➥ Saturday, November 17, 2012 by: donnot
— i never have to use again, no matter how i feel. — 580 words ➥ Sunday, November 17, 2013 by: donnot
♥ walking through the pain ♥ 499 words ➥ Monday, November 17, 2014 by: donnot
± all feelings ± 541 words ➥ Tuesday, November 17, 2015 by: donnot
⤤ knowing that ⤦ 480 words ➥ Thursday, November 17, 2016 by: donnot
⇄ getting through ⇆ 648 words ➥ Friday, November 17, 2017 by: donnot
🌩 remembering that 🌥 387 words ➥ Saturday, November 17, 2018 by: donnot
🌤 another day clean 🌥 329 words ➥ Sunday, November 17, 2019 by: donnot
🌬 it will pass, 🌞 437 words ➥ Tuesday, November 17, 2020 by: donnot
😨 no matter 🤢 524 words ➥ Wednesday, November 17, 2021 by: donnot
🥺 wishing i 🧞 512 words ➥ Thursday, November 17, 2022 by: donnot
🌄 affirming 🌄 468 words ➥ Friday, November 17, 2023 by: donnot
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☯ The Tao that can be spoken is not the eternal Tao ☯

THE TAO TEH KING, OR THE TAO AND ITS CHARACTERISTICS
by Lao-Tse
Translated by James Legge

Book 1

The grandest forms of active force
From Tao come, their only source.
Who can of Tao the nature tell?
Our sight it flies, our touch as well.
Eluding sight, eluding touch,
The forms of things all in it crouch;
Eluding touch, eluding sight,
There are their semblances, all right.
Profound it is, dark and obscure;
Things' essences all there endure.
Those essences the truth enfold
Of what, when seen, shall then be told.
Now it is so; 'twas so of old.
Its name--what passes not away;
So, in their beautiful array,
Things form and never know decay.

How know I that it is so with all the beauties of existing things?
By this (nature of the Tao).