โ it hurts like never before. i talk to God, and still do not feel any better. โ
Posted: Sat, Nov 17, 2007 08:15:26 AM
**it will pass,** a little voice tells me. **when?** i wonder, as i get on with my day.
the pain just does not seem to pass, i have been fortunate enough to have periods like this in my recovery, and i have been **lucky** or **connected** enough to get through times like this without using. this is one of the things that made my early recovery such a difficult time for me. the changes that were happening inside were compounded by events in my life that were beyond my power to control and forced me to feel some feelings that i thought i could never survive clean. grief, anger and despair were my constant handmaidens in those days, and yet i did not use. among the reasons i did use back in the day was, that i did not like feelings of any sort. i know i have written about this particular aspect of my life more than once, so i will not belabor that point. early recovery put me through some changes that i was not willing to go through. that unwillingness was almost greater than the forces that were working in my life, that eventually set me on the road to recovery. it was magic, or a miracle or however you want to look at it, that i **got it,** the it being the desire to stay clean no matter what. what i also got was the understanding that feelings, while quite uncomfortable, and long-lived do pass, and that a feeling never killed me, no matter how long the feeling persisted. i am just as likely to fall victim to periods of feelings that some may call **positive.** extended periods of joy and exuberance lead me into the trap that i can celebrate in a manner that i know will lead me back to the land of active addiction.
one of the gifts of active recovery is the ability to feel what i need to feel, and the ability to endure those feelings until they change, and in my experience my feelings do change, if allow the process to work itself to its ineveitable conclusion. so anyhow, it is a good day to stay clean today, and i think i will, no matter how i feel the rest of this day!
the pain just does not seem to pass, i have been fortunate enough to have periods like this in my recovery, and i have been **lucky** or **connected** enough to get through times like this without using. this is one of the things that made my early recovery such a difficult time for me. the changes that were happening inside were compounded by events in my life that were beyond my power to control and forced me to feel some feelings that i thought i could never survive clean. grief, anger and despair were my constant handmaidens in those days, and yet i did not use. among the reasons i did use back in the day was, that i did not like feelings of any sort. i know i have written about this particular aspect of my life more than once, so i will not belabor that point. early recovery put me through some changes that i was not willing to go through. that unwillingness was almost greater than the forces that were working in my life, that eventually set me on the road to recovery. it was magic, or a miracle or however you want to look at it, that i **got it,** the it being the desire to stay clean no matter what. what i also got was the understanding that feelings, while quite uncomfortable, and long-lived do pass, and that a feeling never killed me, no matter how long the feeling persisted. i am just as likely to fall victim to periods of feelings that some may call **positive.** extended periods of joy and exuberance lead me into the trap that i can celebrate in a manner that i know will lead me back to the land of active addiction.
one of the gifts of active recovery is the ability to feel what i need to feel, and the ability to endure those feelings until they change, and in my experience my feelings do change, if allow the process to work itself to its ineveitable conclusion. so anyhow, it is a good day to stay clean today, and i think i will, no matter how i feel the rest of this day!
∞ DT ∞