Blog entry for:

eventually pass.
i have yet to die from a feeling.
those two phrases, taken separately or on their own, sum up what my experience has been since i finally got clean, hung around and finally became a member of the fellowship that has given me this new way of life. yes, once again i stress the order of those three events, or milestones in my recovery journey, because how i perceive feelings, is a function of that progression. many of my peers equate using with a desire to change the way they feel. once upon a time i bought that explanation, but these days i do not see it in such a simple light. it is true, while using i could to some extent control my “feelings.” in fact one of the most pleasant side effects of using for me, was the ability to disregard my feelings as soon as i took that very next dose of whatever. as i stay clean and get some perspective on who i am, i see that the side-effects of getting high, were just that. my primary overarching reason to use, was that i liked getting high, and i mean really high, not just sort of high or just enough to take the edge off. no for me, the closer i came to the pit of darkness, the more successful that last dose was. the further i could step out of reality, the better i felt in that moment. altering my perception of reality, was one of the most important reasons i used, and getting the bonus effect of numbed feelings, was gravy on that delightful dish for me.
all of that is great, but really does not have a whole lot to do with the here and now. yes i have feelings. some of those feelings i find desirable and when i judged my feelings as “positive” or “negative,” whether i liked them or not, determined where they fell in that spectrum. now that i have some time clean, and have worked hard to remove value judgements from the feelings i have, i get to walk through my day, with a whole lot more grace and serenity. i get to realize that all feelings are transitory and the example in the reading this morning of one feeling stretching for days on end, i see as a bit extreme. i understand the example, and i get a bit of hyperbole is needed to illustrate the point, but that sort of life, has fortunately NOT been part of my experience. what i particularly find comforting is that the reading did not suggest seeking out professional help to “change the way” feels, even when it stretches into days. that however is a tale for another day, as i need to take care of a thing or three on my way down to the land of ice and snow. it is a good day to be clean, and have feelings. it is a better day to allow myself to feel and not decide if this feeling or that one, is good, bad or indifferent, after all they all pass, even the most pleasant ones.

∞ DT ∞