Blog entry for:

another day clean, after all i have never seen anyone die from a feeling, HOWEVER i have seen more than one of my friends and peers die from a relapse. a few weeks ago, while i was at convention, i heard some less than savory things about a peer in recovery. at the time i was not certain what the payoff was for the primary source of this so-called “information,” and i have since then, kept it close to my chest. i am not going to use the spiritual camouflage of being “concerned,” as a justification to gossip, and that shows a bit of growth. i have a pretty good idea today, that the original source was trying to “poison the well” in the local fellowship for another member, and i certainly can see what their motives might have been. this is certainly a very familiar behavior and one that i am well-practiced at, making myself look better at the expense of others, which of course, changes the way i feel and this reading certainly hammers home the notion, that feelings, no matter how unpleasant or intense, will pass.
i do remember the very first time someone reminded me that if i just held out, whatever feeling, i was feeling would pass. at that time i thought i had just met the coldest, cruelest, most callous person ever and was hoped they would die in a bloody and very painful manner in the next ten minutes. yeah, i was not the most spiritual kid on the block. i still claim no moral high ground in my local fellowship, although i used to. my need to be bigger than life through my very visible service efforts has diminished as i stay clean, and live an active program of recovery. my petty personality differences with those around me, no longer need to drive all that i do and i can feel good about who i am today. i often wonder if i am missing something as i do not seem to stay in a “funk” for days on end nor do i turn all torched inside over the events in my lkife. i do feel and i can feel intense feelings. they, however, seem to pass quickly for me, and it is the residue of those feelings that affects me for days on end. that nagging bit of whatever, that makes me feel just a little bit “off.” i wonder if that is a leftover piece of culture still suppressing what i feel, as i was taught to put on a happy face, no matter what. when i was using, i would call those periods of time my “grey” days and even though i am far more open to what bit is i am feeling these days, grey days, still happen. the difference between then and now, is that i CHOOSE to live through them, rather than medicate them into oblivion.
i get that getting through another day clean is on the top of my list of things to do today. it has been for more than a few days in a row now. for me, using is not an option i consider, most of the time. i can feel less than passionate about going to work today and still give my employer my best. i can be less than thrilled to be grounded until 8 PM tonight and still have an evening with the love of my life. my life is not a set of “either-ors” today, but a series of decision on how to be the best Don i can be, even if my best is not what one would consider happy, joyous and free. it si a great day to see what opportunities i may be able to move forward with, just for today.

∞ DT ∞