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and i do not have to use no matter what happens or how i feel.
lately i have had quite a different set of feelings from those described in the reading, rather than pain i haver been feeling anger. anger at the program, most of the members and my choice to remain in recovery. and most of all anger at allowing myself to get trapped on a path where few alternatives appear to exist. the evidence for this attitude is reflected in those with whom i interact with on a regular basis. i judge them to no be trying at all, and they seem to be happy wallowing in the shit they are creating, so why not me? after all i am just as sick as ever and nothing seems to be getting any better, especially me WAH WAH WAH :((!
so here comes the reading talking about feelings passing and for me to just hold on and i will feel something different, if i continue to choose not to use just for today. although i am not particularly fond of being told that this too shall pass, it was exactly what this addict needed to hear this morning and it snapped me out of the shit hole i had worked myself into. yes, those around me may or may not doing what i think they should, that is hardly evidence for me to go out and use. yes, living a life based on spiritual principles limits my freedom of choice, that choice constrains my behavior, but that choice is a choice that i am free to reject at any time. yes, i do have positive things happening in my life and my future choices are only limited by my feeble imagination. so looking at things through a better perspective i really have nothing to be angry about. the evidence i was using was stacked against me by the part of me i call my disease, and in reality i have a very decent life, just for today. the moral of this little missive? well for me it is to let go of FEAR, stay clean another day and have the FAITH that this too shall pass!

∞ DT ∞