Blog entry for:

how i feel, i NEVER have to use again, just for today. since i got clean and especially once i started my actual recovery from addiction, i have often wondered what the point of just staying clean really was. back in the day, it was my ticket out of the justice system. for a long time it was my ticket into a world of social interactions and relationships. today, well all of that may have been true in the past, but these days staying clean is more about honoring myself and less to do with all of those external burdens that are part of life on its own terms.
one trip around the sun ago, i was feeling hopeless and helpless. my job consumed all of my time and energy, my social life was practically nil and i was beginning to come to grips with one of the most impactful events and its consequences in my life. i was far from okay, and i certainly wanted out, BUT i did not use, even though i had picked out a dispensary that would have given me a bit of cover, had i decided to pull the trigger on the nuclear option. today, looking back at the events since that time, i see that i can be grateful that i made the choice that i did, to stay clean, finally work a FOURTH STEP and FIFTH STEP it with my sponsor and allow myself to stop hiding in the shadows. i got the support i required from those who care for me and i gave very little to them, as i had very little to give. i am in a better space now, after many tremendous ups and downs. i am still clean and the pain i feel today is grief for those who have shuffled off the this mortal coil. even in my profound sadness, using is not an option i choose to exercise, just for today.
this morning, considering where i am, i can see that i am frustrated with those around me, who choose to stay stuck. whether it is not trying to get better physically or attempting to “steal my thunder” i can accept that they are making choices that are the best they can do with what they have. i have to accept that as facts and move along down the road, which today is twenty-five degrees above zero and some very light snow on the grass. i have goals in my life and am striving to achieve them. i also have HOPE today, where a year ago i had very little and was holding onto my recovery by my fingernails as the alternative looked decidedly much more rewarding, at least for the first twenty minutes. i may not be excelling at my new job, but i am not failing either. there is progress towards becoming more productive at work and certainly in my physical health. i have the ways and means to be more and just for today, i think i will take advantage of them.

∞ DT ∞