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is one of those little bon mots that i have found distasteful since i came to recovery. to me, it felt as if someone was dismissing how bad i was feeling or how bad i saw the mess that was my life. over time, i what i came to realize was that this was a kindness and a statement of HOPE. when i am emotionally distraught, having a modicum of HOPE certainly does pave the way for me to get through it, rather than attempting to change how i am feeling. i know many of my peers speak of the “committee” in their head or refer to addiction as some sort of outside force that takes control and drives them to places they would rather not be. as comforting as that notion may be to others, for m,e, it feels as if i am abdicating what little personal power that i may have. the fact of the matter, at least for me, is that as i become whole, i have to get used to the notion that everything is not “fine” all the time and accept that it is okay to feel “down and out” about one thing or another.
that has been the story of my life lately. everything is not fine., my job consumes me to the point that it has infected my dreams. i did not get a job offer, because i chose poorly, when asked to describe a full-stack project that i had done. i am barely scraping by, eking out wins in my Fantasy Football league and i am less than pleased with having to maintain a diminished social life, because of the plague times in which we live. what i heard in the reading this morning, was that i DO make choices and each and every one of those choices leads to possibilities and consequences. one of the choices i am making today, is to better prepare myself for the next job opportunity that comes my way, accept that i do have a bi-weekly paycheck coming in and be as okay with the choice i make to care for my parents on a daily basis. that small shift in perspective is something that will allow me to feel “badly” about the state of my life and not traipse off into some sort of risky behavior, just because i want to feel something different. it is a good day to accept that i what i am feeling and live in the HOPE that this too shall pass.

∞ DT ∞