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was as happy as my peers seem to be, was my life before my last FIFTH STEP. i could certainly front being content and sort of happy, but inside i was always hiding the fear, pain and shame that i carried for decades. no matter how deep i buried it or how much effort i put into denying it, it was always there, the knife in my soul, carving out a larger and larger hole in my being. when i released that pain, by revealing my secret shame to my sponse, i was not quite certain about who i was nor who i might become. the one thing i knew for certain, was that i am not now, nor was i ever “broken,” regardless of the messages i received from those who say they love me. to me, it feels odd that decoupling what happened from who i am was the trigger i needed to allow myself to be seen and yes, actually to be more than content with surviving. it allowed me to thrive and find a modicum of happiness.
i have become one of those who no longer judges how well he is doing by how well i think those around me are doing. although getting approval is something i certainly &$#8220;like,” i no longer chase it down from anyone, especially those who were at the root of my secret shame. in fact, as i get used to the idea of being freed from the slavery to shame, i begin to see others in a manner that eluded me for so long. after all, even if i was not consciously expressing it, the approval of EVERYONE in my life was my sole mission, every single waking moment of every single day. after i got clean and even through most of my recovery, i altered how i felt, based on how much approval i was getting and seeing how i prostituted myself to gain the acceptance of others, i am surprised that i did not make that trip to the dispensary, for a twenty minute vacation from recovery.
today and just for today, i feel confident in who i am and who i am becoming. part of that person is physically as well and spiritually fit. to wit, before winter decides to come, i need to dress warmly and get some miles under the soles of my shoes. i may like looking “thinner” as a result of that effort, but i do not workout to gain the approval of others, this i do for me and me alone. i have read that those who vigorously exercise five days a week, seem to have a better “end of life” and since those days are looming, i am making my best effort to see if that is true. it is a great day to allow myself to feel content with who i am and where i am going and not to depend on others for my welfare and well-being.

∞ DT ∞