Blog entry for:

BUT WHEN!
i know that the reading was about living with uncomfortable feelings. i also realize that he HOPE that is embedded within this reading, is that i NEVER have to use again, one day at a time, no matter how i feel. it is tough to find a loophole, so instead of ripping it apart i will deal with the HOPE i heard and feel as a result of this reading.
yes, putting a positive spin on what feels like a negative experience, seems a bit disingenuous to me, after all, one of the basic principles of this program is HONESTY. honestly, if i feel bleak inside, i know that being honest is something i would have never done back in the day. in fact, i had the cure for bleakness at the end of my arms, on a daily basis. numb beat bleak, hands down! in early recovery, i carried over more than a bit of my social and cultural conditioning, and WHEN i felt so-called negative feelings, i would put a smile on my face when out and about and allow myself to feel whatever it was, only in the isolation and privacy of my room. after all, big boys do't cry and you never show your hand until you have to. since i knew no one could trust me, to honor their feelings and not use them to my advantage, i was certain that was how it worked in the rooms as well. only time and living a program of recovery has allowed me the freedom to feel, and allow others to see me feeling, which in my tiny little world of appearances are everything was quite a HUGE chunk of elephant to swallow. as recovery, demolished my walls and destroyed my systemic denial, i saw that was not exactly how things work here. do no make a mistake here, there are plenty of evil, dishonest and untrustworthy self-servers here in the program, i can be one myself from time toot time, BUT fore the most part, those with whom i share my recovery are not members of that particular class.
so yes, “this too shall pass” and “i never died from a feeling” are appropriate responses when i am presented with the darkness from inside of me.
with that in mind, i have to get cracking on finishing up my work here on this contract, i am more than a bit anxious that i do not have enough time, but unless i start walking, i will never know, will i. Monday is a new job at a new place with a whole bunch of new terms and conditions and i can finish this one up, as i agreed to do. so back to the keyboard and mouse to test what i have done. it is a good day to live with whatever i happen to feel.

∞ DT ∞