Blog entry for:

self-esteem by doing esteemable things, which includes being welcoming to any or all who happen to show up at my home group. and by that, i mean, looking at them when they share, speaking to them after the meeting and giving them a sincere hug, if they allow it. today, as i sat, my mind kept going to what cigars i was going to smoke this afternoon. no matter how many times i brought myself back to the task at hand, it drifted back to what to smoke. one might say, that was my obsession this morning and one would be correct. perhaps it is all about desire this today, rather than quiet. it happens from time to time, and i have to chalk this morning up to one of those times. the answer to that burning question, came to me on my first real run in over a year -- i will be smoking a LFD Digger, to get my day started.
coming back to being hospitable, welcoming and social. is not really anything i am very good at, to say the least. in active addiction, i learned that being quiet, sullen and withdrawn was the safest route for me to take when navigating social situations. it has taken nearly 10K days clean, four complete rounds through the steps and seeking out a new sponse to get me to where i can actually see that is not the way that i have the desire to be. i may not want to be the center of attention these days, but i also do nit have the desire to fade into the wallpaper either. as i prepare to get out of the house, i know that i have a ways to go to be the most hospitable person in the room, but i am closer to achieving that, than i ever have been in my past, just for today.

∞ DT ∞