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hmm, well, i was a grown-ass man when i came to recovery and was more than certain i had my emotions under control, after all i had lived forty years before i got clean. that sums things up perfectly. i know that one of the rehab tropes is that one stops aging emotionally when they use for the first time. whether or not that is true, and i question the wisdom in that statement, i certainly did have my emotions under my control. i was taught by culture to be stoic, no matter what. i was the type who believed living life on an emotionally even keel was my daily goal. i was willing to trade the “highs” to prevent the “lows” and i saw nothing wrong in that. once i got clean, all those years of suppressing what i felt came back to bite me quite hard in my ass and i was an emotional mess during my period of mere abstinence. once again, i denied what i was feeling and used all sorts of other ways to control my feelings, before i surrendered to the notion that perhaps i required something more.
as i stayed clean, worked some steps and found the ways and means to implement a program of active recovery in my daily life, i lost my FEAR of feeling the “lows” and learned to accept that no matter what i believed, i NEVER had my emotions under my control, that was all part of the denial that kept me using for so long. i now understand that for me, anyhow, feelings are just feelings. they are transient and will not be my demise. in fact suppressing my feelings or attempting to bring them under my power, will more than likely kill me. life with a full range of human emotions may not always be easy, but i am grateful that i can feel these days.
so it is off to feed my trees and perhaps take a nap on this pleasant late Autumn day. as i start to feel the loss of my Mom, after denying any sort of feelings for her, other than rage, i can be certain that no matter what bubbles up from the depths will not kill me, just for today.

∞ DT ∞